It’s the subject of one of television’s most beloved sitcoms and it’s the theme of a study I recently took part in based on author/podcaster/woman extraordinaire Jennie Allen’s book “Find Your People.” It is, friendship and it was fascinating.
In it, I learned we all want people connection and trusted friend groups but it’s kinda hard to find your people when both you and those people are always so busy or live so far away. Ironically, one of my dear college friends who lives far away gave me the book for my birthday a few years back. Now, years later, I got to study the idea all over again with neighborhood friends.
Truth be told I might not have been open to this a few years back. That was when, after living in the same city for 30+ years and living a life that included an exciting career and fulfilling motherhood, hubby and I moved to a new (but nearby) town and neighborhood. I remember “making” friends here and there but all the while thinking, “I have 30+ years of friends nearby. Why do I need new ones?” Boy was I wrong. Now I covet my neighborhood and the friends I’ve made in it. As a true introvert, it has taken me longer than others might take, but I’m comfortable and feel at home in our now not so new neighborhood.
Neighborhood. Key word. I’m thankful and grateful that my neighborhood has lots of activities to get people together. I do everything from golf to Bible studies, a rosary group to book club, cooking classes to wine tasting, exercise classes to happy hours and everything in between. Allen would applaud this.
Why? Because she stresses that proximity matters as it breeds intimacy. She also notes that yeah, it’s nice to have “every now and then” friends, but true friends do our daily lives with us. Research supports this and reports it takes 50 hours of interaction to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to move from casual friend to friend, and more than 200 hours to qualify as a best friend.
There’s no denying that everyone wants love and belonging, but they’re hard to give and receive when everybody’s busy and everyone is guarded. We avoid sharing the “messes” for fear of being judged or offending someone’s feelings, but as Allen says, messes are often where we bond the best and that transparency is vital in a tried-and-true friendship.
Boy isn’t that the truth and it’s something I learned firsthand late last year when I had a death in the family. It’s times like that when you really realize who is there for you and makes an effort to reach out. It’s when you find your people.
Former Texas Longhorn (I won’t hold that against him) and pro football player and now TV commentator, speaker, and podcaster Emmauel Acho has some brilliant stuff to say about all this. He categorizes people in his life as if they were a house. He has window friendships, door friendships, and floor friendships. Stick with me; it’s fascinating and eye-opening.
Window friends are those who see what’s going on in your life but don’t always know what’s going on. They are on the outside looking in and are those you touch base with on holidays, events. tragedies, etc. You allow who sees through these windows, knowing you can only let so many people in your house.
Door friends are those who come in and out of your life. They are there for a reason and for a season. They are also the ones who, when life gets tough or your world gets cold, might exit but sometimes want back in when times are good. They stop making the effort so when they come knocking, you decide whether to open that door again and again.
Firefly Lane
Floor friends aren’t going anywhere and are permanent fixtures in your house of life. You can track mud on them, scratch them up, and stomp on them but they will always be there to catch your tears and keep you standing up. They are also there for you to jump up and down on when celebrating. Your house would cease to exist and not be a house without floors. IMO the perfect example of this would be Tully and Kate from “Firefly Lane.”
In short, a house generally has more windows than doors and more doors than floors. As long as you have one solid floor, your house (and your life) will be held together securely.
These kinda fall in line with thoughts from an even deeper thinker: Aristotle. He identified three “species” of friendships:
Friendships of utility are those based on what someone can do for you or what you can do for someone. They have little to do with character and can end as soon as any possible use for you or the other person is gone.
The friendship of pleasure is based on the enjoyment of a shared activity or the pursuit of fleeting pleasures and emotions. Think going for drinks with friends or enjoying a hobby or sport. Aristotle notes that this type of friendship is especially common among the young and can end quickly as it is dependent on ever-changing likes and dislikes. This explains why it’s easy to make friends in college but tougher once you enter the real world.
The friendship of virtue gets to the heart of what good friends are. These are the people you like for themselves and who influence you in a positive way. There are common missions, common goals, and common values. It is this virtue that Aristotle lauds and says, that while friendships of utility and pleasure have their place, it’s the rare yet pure friendships of virtue that are the greatest contributors to a good life and prevent loneliness.
Ugh. Loneliness.
The Surgeon General once said “The greatest public health crisis in America is not cancer or heart disease, it’s social isolation. Loneliness.” Thank you, distance. Thank you, internet. Thank you Covid and your crippling isolation, increased separatism, and ongoing division. Lessons learned, right?
We simply cannot cope alone and yet, even though we have more ways to connect then ever before, there is an increase in isolation and loneliness. It’s not uncommon to feel lonely in a crowd. We may have more relationships and “friends,” but we also have fewer and less meaningful ones. In our hyper-connected world, loneliness has become an epidemic.
It’s easy to blame the internet, but according to Allen it started way before we were online. She points to the breakdown of the village structure generations before us lived in and thrived in. Today, we live far from those we love, are in neighborhoods with garage doors shut, and a simple wave to neighbors as we see them. We are divided…and I’m talking physically in this case.
We’ve also replaced real soul-bearing conversations with “likes” and “shares.” We celebrate individualism and independence way too much. Think about it, when we hear of someone who commits a violent crime, how is he or she typically described? “Social outcast.” “Living on the fringe.” “Kept to himself.” The enemy loves isolation and division and our spread-out world is tailor-made for both.
It came as no surprise to learn that men tend to be more isolated than women and that women generally have more true friendships then men do. It’s not connection males seek as much as belonging, so they often bond over a common purpose or interest. They rarely dive deep with their buddies. My husband can play a four-hour round of golf with someone and come home with zero “news” on their life. Don’t believe me? Next time you see women interact you’ll probably notice they do so face-to-face while men do so shoulder-to-shoulder. We are not the same.
Kathy Womack
What’s the moral of this somewhat depressing but totally fixable story? We need connection. We need authenticity. We also need frequency more than we need duration when it comes to relationships according to author Grechen Rubin. She firmly believes it’s better to have more short visits with others than few long ones.
So, BFFs, buddies, posse, homies, crew, squad, whatever you want to call it; call it often! I promise I’ll pick up.
Note: Allen’s book and videos also stressed how all of this is spiritual and I will touch on that in a related blog on Sunday.
Beyond Words 