Beyond Words

“There is no such thing as ‘fun for the whole family.” Jerry Seinfeld

Where have I been and what have I been watching? Those are the questions I asked myself last night as I watched, for the first time, the television show “Parenthood.”  What a great program so why hadn’t I seen it until now, its last season?  Good question, but thanks to Neflix I will be watching it episode after episode.

Although I’ve only seen the pilot and this week’s episode, “Parenthood” looked like a good family drama so I’m somewhat surprised to hear this season is its final. A friend of mine believes this is because it doesn’t have enough sex and violence to merit “hit series” status.  I hope this won’t be the case with “Duck Dynasty,” another family-driven show.  Nothing like a real family with real values, right?

Families are important. Done.  End of blog.

Okay, not.

Yes, a family unit is indeed significant in many ways, but did you know that nearly every expert you talk to says feeling part of a family is vital to a person’s success?

Apparently the single most important thing you can do to strengthen your family and the members of it is to develop a strong family narrative.  This means knowing where your grandma went to school, where your grandpa grew up, and other multi-generational facts and stories.  Research conducted by Emory University and reported in “Readers Digest” found that a child who knows where her grandmother went to school may be more resilient than a child who doesn’t.    Having a strong “intergenerational self” also allows kids to know (not just think, but know) they belong to something bigger than themselves.  The more children know about their family history, the higher their self-esteem tends to be and the more self-control they exhibit.

Following the tragic events of 9/11, researchers re-evaluated children affected by the tragedy and found that the ones who knew more about their families were more resilient. The military and sociology experts also report similar findings and experiences.

I’ve always liked the quote about giving your children both “roots and wings,” and now I know just how important those deep and strong roots really are.

This was music to the ears of this mom of an “only.” Kristen is our only child and I don’t even have to go into detail about what many automatically believe about children who don’t have siblings.  Spoiled.  Self-centered.  Introverted.  Unsocial.  Can’t share.   How can my only acquire all those advantages of family awareness when her “family” consists of mom and dad?

First off, let me first address all those misconceptions about onlies.   Single children are not only often very social and confident; they tend to achieve high levels of education and occupational prestige.  Pity the poor only?  Au contraire!

I was happy to read something that I always felt, that even without siblings, children benefit from knowing their extended families. I know for a fact that Kristen values her cousins more than perhaps others with lots of siblings might and that she hates the fact that her mom and dad aren’t necessarily close to all of their siblings.  Kristen never really wished for siblings, but she does wish she had a physically closer extended family.  She loves her family even if getting to know all members is somewhat challenging being that we are spread literally coast-to-coast.  This is the sad truth of most American families today, but thanks to technology, staying in touch is much easier even if it will never replace living down the street from grandma and grandpa or going to the same schools as your cousins.

I love that at the end of each episode of “Duck Dynasty” cast members share a prayer and a family dinner. The Robertsons may be back-woods bubbas, but they are clearly onto something simple yet smart as family meals, much like a communicated family history, can actually result in a child’s better grades and healthier future relationships.

I remember when Kristen was younger we would sit down to dinner, say grace, and then we’d do our “highs and lows.” We would go around the table and say what our “high” of the day was and what our “low” was.   We don’t do so any more, but I’m glad we did it for as many years as we did.  Statistics would agree.

Teens that have regular meals with their parents often boast better grades, are less likely to be depressed, have higher self-esteem, and have better peer and opposite sex relationships. On the other hand, teens that have two or fewer family dinners a week are more likely to smoke, drink, hang out with sexually active friends, and smoke marijuana.

 “It is difficult to know what counts most in the world, but I am beginning to see that the things that really matter take place not in the boardrooms, but in the kitchens of the world.” Gary Allen Sledge

It’s a tough world for kids today. Their family “role models” are “Modern Family,” “Two and a Half Men,” and the Kardashians.  Long gone are the days of the “Cosby Show,” “Seventh Heaven” and the “Brady Bunch.” Call me naïve and old-fashioned, but many a lesson was learned from Dr. Huxtable, lessons somewhat lost on today’s generation and households with a TV in every room.

The most recent Census Figures show that 66 percent of American households in 2012 were “family households,” down from 81 percent in 1970. Equally alarming is that between 1970 and 2012, the share of households that were married couples with children under age 18 dropped from 40 percent to a mere 20 percent.

But, I digress.

Despite the trends, how can any and all families raise stronger and happier children? Start by developing and keeping family traditions that can be passed down generation to generation and share your extended family’s history with your kids.  Be sure to create memories by taking family trips and work to ensure family members feel comfortable communicating with each other both in good times and bad.  No one needs to know they have the “perfect” family.  Way more beneficial is knowing they have a supportive and solid family.

Lastly, appreciate your family. Let members know you value them and choose your battles.  Tell them you love them even if you don’t always agree with them.  After all, it’s the only you’ve got.

Happy Friday!

Happy October 1^st and happy “National Walk Your Dog Week.”  Yep, there’s an official week for walking your dog and I say “amen!”

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a dog lover. Make that major dog lover.  Okay, make that dog obsessed.  All my life I’ve had a dog, whether it was Peppy the poodle when I was a toddler or Boomer, my Jack Russell rescue, a dog has always been in my life.  After Peppy there were Fula, Sabrina, Boots, Bailey, Concha, and Biskit.  I adored them all.  Dogs are, after all, man’s best friend, right?

Dogs are also healers. Simply caring for a dog can reduce anxiety, brighten a mood and reduce stress.  But don’t just take this dog lover’s word for it, study after study have proven that canines can and do make life better.  As I like to say about Boomer, “who rescued who?!”

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” Ben Williams

One study showed that within 10 minutes of looking into a dog’s eyes or petting a dog, the brain gets neurochemical bursts of oxytocin, prolactin, dopamine and endorphins, all chemicals that make us happy and relax us.

Other studies suggest that living with a dog reduces the symptoms and severity of depression and also boosts one’s immune system, reduces blood pressure, and lowers heart rates. Kind of amazing, right?

A British hospital actually “prescribes” a dog for male patients who have suffered heart attacks and following these doctor’s orders has found that the chances of a second heart attack in these men dropped 400 percent! 400 percent!

“If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.”

Owning a dog is known to help you better maintain an active lifestyle and retain a healthy weight.  Dog owners are said to be both emotionally and physically healthier and have lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Maybe dogs are so good at giving love because it is said that when a dog sees its owner its brain secretes the same substances ours do when we are in love. In short, your dog is truly in love with you!

“The reason dogs have so many friends is because they wag their tales instead of their tongues.”

An Ohio high school and a Houston non-profit are both participating in programs aimed at improving school safety by “employing” dogs that can detect guns and drugs in classrooms, hallways, and parking lots.

A study published by “Pediatrics” journal found that children who live with dogs during their first year of life got sick less often than kids from dog-less homes. The research revealed that the dirt and microbes brought in the house by Fido actually bolster helpful bacteria in a child’s immune system.  In fact, babies who lived with dogs were 31 percent more likely to be in good health than those who didn’t, 44 percent were less likely to develop ear infections, and 29 percent were less likely to need antibiotics during their first year of life.

One Virginia family discovered that a dog could predict when a seizure was imminent in their young son, resulting in a book about a seizure-sniffing dog. The book has raised funds to help other families purchase similar dogs.

I volunteer at the Austin Dog Alliance and the reason I chose them over other dog organizations was because of their therapy dog program. One of the programs uses dogs to calm autistic children, teach them social skills, and provide training needed to land a job.  I’ve worked with this program and was totally surprised at how quickly a dog can calm a child down and help him or her focus.

ADA also offers the “Bow Wow Reading” program, which is designed to help below grade level readers improve their skills. I wrote about the program for an ADA publication and, while doing research on the subject, loved learning that a University of California study found that young students who read out loud to dogs improved their reading skills by 12 percent over the course of 10 weeks, while children in the same program who didn’t read to dogs showed no improvement.

A dog’s calming presence is perhaps the key to the program’s success, as one of the biggest challenges to get kids to read is often helping them overcome the embarrassment of making mistakes.  Reading to dogs provides the perfect solution as they offer a non-judgmental environment as well as a comforting friend who listens even when the reader stumbles on certain words.

Therapy dogs are nothing new. Seeing eye dogs and service dogs have been around forever.  Firefighters once used Dalmatians to both protect their trucks and “sound” an alarm and police officers still use our four-legged friends for a variety of jobs.   If you look even further back in history, you will find the connection between healing and dogs just as prevalent as today.  The Mayans believe each person was assigned a “soul animal” and Florence Nightingale recommended small pets for the chronically ill.

Visit any hospital or nursing home and you’ll find therapy dogs in the rooms of people of all ages. I remember when Kristen had surgery when she was in first grade, one of the brightest moments in recovery was a visit she had from a dog and its trainer.  A dog’s ability to either engage a person or relax one makes for the perfect partner in disaster relief as well.  Servicemen and women are uniquely attached to their “war dogs” and many 9/11 families of victims were consoled by specially trained dogs.

“Dogs are not our whole life but they make our lives whole.” Roger Caras

What I love most about dogs is their undying loyalty and unconditional love.  I know that when I walk in the door Boomer is going to show how super excited she is to see me whether I’ve been gone a minute or a month.  According to “Live Happy” magazine, dogs essentially represent a “steady diet of happiness” and I couldn’t agree more. Now I’m going for a walk with Boomer!

Things We Can Learn From a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a ride and feel the wind in your face.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before getting up.

Eat with gusto.

Be loyal.

If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, sit close by and nuzzle them.

Avoid biting when a growl will do.

When you’re happy, show it.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

“Who you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read something on-line today that included the following poem written by an anonymous wordsmith:

A wise old owl sat in an oak

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard

Why can’t we all be like that bird?

I tend to go to either extreme of that wise old bird: I speak a lot or I am silent.   I live by the rule “Let your speech be better than your silence; otherwise by silent.”  Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem “putting it out there” but sometimes I have nothing to say or maybe nothing nice to say.  My momma taught me well, but today, I’m putting it out there.

Do I sometimes say too much and go too far? For sure.  Am I opinionated?  Totally.  Do I think I know it all?  Not at all.  In fact, there are few things in life I enjoy more than an enlightening and enthusiastic discussion or debate on anything anyone is passionate about.  If it’s the silent me you want, start with the small talk and keep it going.  I hate small talk.  Can’t stand it.

Proverbs 10:19 says “He who restrains his lips is wise” leading one to believe that there is a definite link between wisdom and listening. I agree.  As I tell my little preschoolers, “If you’re not listening, you’re not learning.”

I love to learn almost as much as I love to listen to rain while reading a book. I have an insatiable appetite for fun facts and anything interesting.  Every year my New Year’s resolution is to learn something new.  I don’t like to be criticized though and am the first to admit I have very thin skin.  Maybe that’s why a recent comment to something I posted on Facebook got me thinking (and in my best Carrie Bradshaw imitation):  “do I speak my mind too much?”

They say it’s easier to express anger or anything negative in the written word rather then face-to-face, making social media the perfect place to do so. A few days ago I shared a post and after several “I agree” comments, I came across one that baffled me.  I’m still confused as to what it really meant but I am sure of one thing:  it wasn’t complimentary.  Considering who it was from was even more hurtful and added weight to the sting I was already feeling.  I love and admire the person in so many ways and we have enjoyed a long-time friendship.  I’m still not sure what to make of it.

“Preach the gospel, and when necessary use words.” St. Francis

My intent is never to be offensive; I am just really passionate about certain things and enjoy “sharing” them with others.   If you don’t agree with them, that’s fine, I am not offended.  Many of my friends have belief systems totally in opposition to mine but we are still able to enjoy a civil and fruitful friendship.  At the end of the day, I prefer to focus on what holds us together, not what tears us apart.   It’s called respect.

How could I, in all honesty, be anything more than honest and upfront considering I’ve forever encouraged my daughter to “speak up?” I must practice what I preach.   I’ve preached to not only speak up but to believe in yourself and in what you feel.  Obnoxious and rude, no.  Mannerly and intelligent, yes.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that eliminating the unnecessary “shoulds” in my life start with “I should care what someone thinks of me.”  How refreshing to get rid of trying to please everyone, feeling I have to be sooooo super grateful to everyone and for everything, and striving to meet other people’s expectations rather than my own.  I no longer say “yes” when I really want to say “no” and I’ve stopped doing things I actually don’t like but for so long thought I “should” like, so I poured myself into them.  My husband loves golf and many of my girlfriends do too, which meant I “should” like golf more than I do.  Uh….no.  I should spend time with someone I don’t really like all that much.  I can’t.  Just can’t and won’t.

I also know I can’t fix everything, even though God knows I’ve tried! Not my circus, not my monkeys.  Not my problem!  I also realize I won’t win every argument or change everyone’s mind or behavior, and that’s okay.  I say what’s important to me and agree to disagree or maybe even go as far as “you may be right.”  Done.  Easy peasy.

Trust me, I’ve taken the class in people pleasing and graduated with honors with a degree in “Disease to Please” in the past, living by the mantra “I’m only okay if you think I’m okay.” That’s the old me though.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be “that” older woman, but I have better things to do then try to win everyone over and care what people think about me.  It’s not so much that I don’t care what others think, it’s more that I finally really care about what I think.  I am also too old for the drama.

One of my favorite quotes has always been “Be who you are and say what you feel, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” by Dr. Seuss and amazingly, the older I get the more it rings true.  I think Dr. Seuss would be happy to hear this.

Lastly, something very refreshing about speaking your mind is that you don’t carry around those heavy burdens called secrets. Holding onto secrets can be very draining and damaging but letting them out in the open frees the mind and frees the spirit.   Just make sure you don’t hurt anyone by doing so.

So, what do to about a Facebook comment? Do I let it eat at me or do I fully digest it and move on to the next course.  I think I’ll take a cue from Lou Holtz, who cautioned, “Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”

Happy first day of fall! I just love autumn; it’s probably my favorite season.  I love the colors, the clothing, the football, and the weather.  Oh, the weather.  How it can change on a dime.

Last week in Austin we had rain nearly every day, leading to flash flooding.  Before that we were suffering through those dreaded end-of-summer high 90s, so with the rain came not only flood waters but nearly unbearable humidity too.  This week we are back to dry skies and only upper 80s.   Yay us!

I’ve always said I love rain, particularly those day-long thunderstorms. Curl up with my dog, some decaf, and a good book and I’m a happy clam.  I think I like rain so much because it’s really the only “weather” we get in Austin.  To me, it’s a nice break from the heat and the sun.  Needless to say I get downright giddy when the weather forecast calls for a chance of showers.

What exactly does that “80 percent chance of rain” really mean though? Does it mean there’s an 80 percent chance of rain that it will rain at my house?  Will it rain 80 percent of the day?  Will it rain only over 80 percent of the city where I live?  Do I need an umbrella today?  The answer:  maybe, maybe, maybe, and maybe.

A meteorologist I am not, but I’ve researched it all for you and have learned that what a real meteorologist does when forecasting rain is use a formula that combines “degree of confidence” and “area coverage.” How confident is Willie the Weatherman that it’s going to rain in a certain area of town?

According to the National Weather Service, “chance of rain 40 percent” means there is a 40 percent chance that rain will occur at any given point in the “viewing area,” the households that receive a particular TV channel that’s broadcasting the weather forecast.

How do forecasters get there? By using math with their handy dandy “Probability of Precipitation” method, which describes the chance of precipitation occurring at any point you select in any given area.  In short,  PoP = C x A (“C” being the confidence that precipitation will occur and “A” being the percent of the area that will receive measureable precipitation.)  That’s in the perfect weather world though. In most cases, forecasters use a combination of degree of confidence and area coverage.

Here’s how it works: if Molly the Meteorologist is only 50 percent sure that precipitation will occur and expects it will produce measurable rain over about 80 percent of the area, the PoP (chance of rain) is 40 percent. (.5 x .8 = .4 or 40 %.)

Confused? Well, it gets even more confusing.

If you hear there’s a 20 percent chance of rain, it could mean the weather gurus are 50 percent sure it will rain in 40 percent of the viewing area OR, they could be 90 percent sure it’s going to rain in 20 percent of the area.

Okay, maybe that’s why my degree is news reporting and not a weather forecasting. Too much math!

In any event, perhaps the best way to interpret the forecast is to remember that a 40 percent chance of rain means there is a 40 percent chance that it will rain in the city or town where you live. When all else fails, just always keep an umbrella handy!

Hurricane? Cyclone?  Typhoon?

Last week’s rain in Austin was thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Odile, which brought heavy rains to the West Coast after hitting Baja Mexico with hurricane force winds. In sticking with today’s weather theme, I thought I’d explain the difference between a hurricane, a cyclone, and a typhoon.

Basically they are all the same things. Different parts of the world use different terms though.  “Hurricane” is used is the Atlantic Ocean, Caribbean Sea, central and northeast Pacific.  In the northwest Pacific, they are called typhoons; while in the Bay of Bengal and the Arabian Sea they are called cyclones.

I am as guilty as the next person of placing people on pedestals they don’t necessarily deserve and idolizing certain famous people.  But, when it comes down to it, forget about football teams, reality show stars, musicians, and anyone else we entitle with fame, there is really only one who deserves it.  Let’s make Him famous today and every day.

“Even rich men need God.”

Happy September and Happy “Library Card Sign-up Month!” What?  Yep, it’s time to go to your nearby public library and get your library card.  I’m crazy, right?  Nope, just crazy about libraries and crazy about books.

I have always loved libraries. My mom was an elementary school librarian for many years and I fondly remember going to the Santa Fe Public Library and staying there for hours.  I can close my eyes and picture its distinctive green doors and my blue or salmon colored library card.  I also remember the library at Santa Fe High sitting in the middle of the sprawling open campus.

And then there’s Bizzell Memorial Library at The University of Oklahoma, my alma mater. I loved that place then and I still love it today.  Its “great reading room” is one of the prettiest this side of The Library of Congress and its “stacks” are chalk-full of history, classics, and a few make-out sessions…none by me though!  I spent a lot of time in “The Biz” and love everything about it, from its statuesque role on OU’s south oval to its gorgeous castle-like red brick appearance. (Its bathrooms are also convenient to pre-game tailgating!)

I love libraries so much that I’m currently working with an artist to paint bookshelves on a wall in my powder room.  When guests ask where’s “the library,” I’ll send them right to it!

We all have memories of a library: that confusing Dewey Decimal System and card catalog, the musty smell, and the joy of checking out stacks of books.   Public libraries are not only places to access books and study, but they also offer everything from internet access to job-hunting services.  Sadly, libraries are, in many ways and in many places, becoming things of the past with cities large and small shutting them down.  Yes, the New York Public Library and its famous steps and lions is still doing brisk business (having a library card from it is on my Bucket List!), but probably as many people know it for the location of Carrie and Big’s ill-fated wedding in the “Sex and the City” movie as for any books they’ve checked out or research they’ve conducted.  Much like book stores, libraries are feeling the heat from the likes of Kindle and Amazon.  A happy ending, it’s not.

Think about it, libraries are more than just stacks of books. They represent places where anyone can enter and read about virtually anything.  They also serve as community gathering spots and bring people together.  Generation after generation and civilization after civilization have all considered libraries vital to a community.  Today’s society should be no different; after all, no tech store can beat the likes of this, Prague’s Theological Library:

The city of Austin is currently building a 200,000-square-foot library and I like what they’re including in it. Yes, it will contain shelves of books, rows of magazines, and digital downloads, but it’s also going to house places where Austinites can mix and mingle without being told to “shhhhh!”

“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.” Walter Cronkite

The new Austin Public Library will have a 300-person event space with its own catering kitchen, as well as a full-service restaurant. Awe.  Some!   Visitors will be able to take cooking classes in one of the largest culinary demonstration spots in the city; relax at the rooftop garden; and attend special events ranging from book signings to film screenings to live performances.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is not your grandma’s public library!

Ninety-miles south of Austin, in San Antonio, a library of a different kind is turning pages and turning heads. In Bexar County’s BiblioTech, there aren’t any books.  Nope, not a one.  The $2.3 million “library” instead boasts rows of iMacs and iPads to use either in the building or to check out.  It’s the nation’s only bookless public library and is proving very popular.  Digital libraries can be found on many college campuses, but San Antonio’s public one is considered by many as the future.

“Without libraries what have we? We have no past and no future.” Ray Bradbury

The future of libraries in indeed precarious. As one of the architects of Austin’s library, Steve Raike, told the Austin American-Statesman, “If the information is really available in the palm of your hand, what is it about a library that is really important?”  He goes on to say that the significance of libraries lies in the fact that they are where communities learn and share.

Kathy Lussier, a long-time friend and co-worker of mine back in my TV and PR days, is currently Community Relations and Marketing Manager for the Jacksonville Public Library, Florida’s largest public library. When asked by WJCT what makes her place of work one of the city’s “hidden gems,” Lussier spoke of the “second floor oasis in the middle of the city,” the library’s Betsy Love Courtyard.  “It’s great when kids come to the library with school groups or with their parents, or for people working downtown who want to have lunch in the courtyard,” Lussier said.  “I’ve also seen some beautiful wedding pictures because at night the tress and the fountain are lit up.”

Books and the people who read them.  It’s those kinds of things that libraries offer and what sets them apart.

As I’ve blogged before and as I discussed with good friends while watching football over the weekend, I am not a Kindle or Nook user. I prefer a real book in my hands and I long for a library room in my house with shelves of books, comfy chairs, and even a rolling ladder. In my home library, my books won’t run on batteries but rather on the merits of the words inside them.  Okay, I do agree that people are at least reading when using tablets, but I also tend to agree with Southern Living’s Rick Bragg who wrote, “Even when a whole library can fit in your palm, the gravity of stories in dog-eared books will never grow obsolete.”  Amen.

If you’re a library and book lover like me, here are some interesting thing you might want to check out:

Ann Patchett’s book, “The Public Library,” a photo and essay collection about America’s public libraries.

The Texas Humane Legislature Network’s “Paws for a Purpose” on-line auction fundraiser, specifically Austin artist Craig Hein’s “LIBRARYdor Retriever” entry, which is covered with the titles of thousands of books:

Thatcher Wine, a Boulder, Colorado bookseller who custom designs client’s bookshelves into works of art. Here are just a couple of his creations:

Forgive. It’s a very big word.  Perhaps one of the biggest in any language spoken.  I, of course, am not talking about the number of letters in it, but the meaning behind it.

I thought about forgiveness a lot last Thursday, September 11, and I almost wrote this blog on that notable day. But I had to think about it all and I came to the conclusion that it would make an appropriate Sunday Scripture blog, so here it is.

For many, the motto of September 11 is “Never Forget.” That’s a given, but what about “Never Forgive?”  My knee jerk reply is “no.”  “No way.”  The day was too monumental, the actions too horrific, and the pain too immense.

In day to day living however, we are called to forgive. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” is what Jesus himself taught us to pray.  We are reminded to forgive others because we all need forgiveness ourselves.  How can we receive something we are not willing to give?

It is so very hard sometimes though, right? Forgiving someone who has betrayed you, lied to you, cheated you, or hurt you in any way is downright nearly impossible.  The heart hurts and the head remembers.  Asking for forgiveness is one thing, but forgiving someone else is another.  But, to love is to forgive.  Forgiving can also prove very freeing.

“To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.” Job 5:2

On the other hand, holding onto resentments can be paralyzing, counterproductive, and self-destructive. That’s when we need to turn not only to the person we are feeling resentful towards, but to God.   It’s at those times, when we feel the most hurt and the most vulnerable, that we should ask God for healing.  We need to ask Him to help us make peace with our anger, our hurt, and our broken spirit.

I am a very emotional and sensitive person. My feelings are hurt very easily and I often take things way too personally.  When I’m hurt by someone, I’m hurt bad and have a hard time getting over it.  I’m getting better and better at thinking “it’s not as bad as you think it is” but saying that and believing that wrestle in my head.  Sometimes I just have to say “so what” and get on with life.

I also like to remember that I can either let a hurt make me bitter or make me better and that holding onto resentment ultimately hurts me more than the other person. More than likely, he or she has moved on and so must I.  It’s the healthy thing to do and it’s the right thing to do, even if I haven’t received the apology I was hoping and waiting for.

Forgiving doesn’t have to mean minimizing the seriousness of the offense. That’s the problem many of us, including me, have with forgiving.  We think that by forgiving, we are justifying the hurt.  That is not the case.  Don’t ever say it doesn’t matter when it does and don’t ever let someone keep hurting you again and again.  Forgiving someone also doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship reverts to its original state.  It just means you are bigger than the hurt caused you.  Being forgiving and being tolerant are two different things. Forgiveness is something you can do privately and not involve the other person.  Reconciliation, however, takes two.  Both sides need to be open to apologizing and open to forgiving.

  “Apologizing doesn’t always mean you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”

Apologizing.  Yet another big word and one whose meaning we long to avoid for life.  Don’t fool yourself though.  You will need to apologize many, many times so you might as well do it right.   Never ruin an apology with any type of excuse.  “I’m sorry I lied, but…” just won’t cut it.  Sincerely and honestly own up to your mistakes and transgressions.   Whoever you’re apologizing to will see right through any transferring of blame and disingenuousness. If you don’t mean it and have no plans to make true and effort-filled amends, don’t say it at all.

When offering an apology, you must show genuine repentance, offer to make up for the hurt you’ve caused, and then work on rebuilding trust, which is sometimes as easy as forgiving.  Once trust is lost, it’s difficult to get it back but, it’s not impossible.

“It is an insult to Go to think your sins are greater than His mercy,” Mother Angelica

If no sin is too big for even God to forgive upon reconciliation, we should all find a way to forgive others and even ourselves.  As Pope Francis said, “we are all sinners. The problem isn’t being a sinner.  The problem is not repenting of our sins.  Not being ashamed of what we have done, that’s the problem. “

Shame. Another short yet very big word.  We don’t like shame and we certainly don’t like to admit being ashamed of our actions.  We also don’t like to ask for forgiveness for those actions.  But, just like letting go of resentments is freeing, so is asking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness. Do it and ask for it.  Others and God are waiting.