Beyond Words

Have you ever been around someone whose confidence is bordering on arrogance?  I’m not talking cocky, as in athletic prowess, or secure, as in at peace with themself, I’m talking a plain ole know-it-all.

I recently enjoyed a spontaneous and fun dinner with my friend Karen during which we discussed the difference between confidence with arrogance.  What is the distinction, and how can we make sure we remain proud of ourselves but not full of ourselves?

Webster defines confidence as “a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances: the quality or state of being certain.”  On the other hand, arrogance is defined as “an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.”  When looking at them that way, it’s easy to see the difference.  Or is it?

In short, arrogant people are what I like to call “braggy.”  If you ask my daughter, she’ll tell you it’s one of three things I detest (the others being sneaky and phony.)  Arrogant people think they are perfect and better than anyone else, they rarely apologize or admit defeat, and they are surprisingly equally disliked and admired.  People look up to them because they are often successful, but once they are faced with any type of adversity, they don’t know how to handle it.  “This can’t be happening to me, I’m perfect!”  And, even though they are sometimes likable they are more often not well-liked because they are…well…arrogant!

Perhaps actress Angie Harmon said it best recently in “Good Housekeeping” magazine:  “I tell my kids everybody needs to be respected.  There is no one on this planet who is better than they are and they aren’t better than anybody else.”  This, mind you, from a stunning-former model-successful actress who’s married to a former NFL star.  If anyone could be arrogant, it’s Angie Harmon!  How refreshing to know she’s the furthest thing from it and is raising her kids that way too.

I didn’t have a lot of self-confidence growing up, which is one reason I made it my goal to raise a daughter who is self-confident.  Since day 1, my mantra to Kristen has been “Believe in yourself.”  I’m happy to report she is very confident, sometimes (I must admit) over confident, but confident nonetheless.  Every now and then she does need to be reigned in though, and I remind her that humility is as impressive and admired as confidence.

Aaahh humility.  How can we, as a society, promote being humble while at the same time encouraging independence and ambition?  Defined as “not proud or haughty,  not arrogant or assertive, unpretentious,”  being humble is not only Biblical, it’s benevolent.  Power and money tend to make even the most humble of people over-confident and ultimately arrogant.  It’s almost inevitable, but as Abraham Lincoln said, “nearly all men can stand adversity but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

One of my favorite bloggers, Gretchen Rubin of “The Happiness Project,” recently wrote about something similar, something she calls “oppositional conversational style.”  This, Rubin describes, consists of conversations with someone who disagrees with and corrects whatever you say.  You know the type, you say the sky is blue, they’ll say it’s green.  Conversations with these OCS sufferers, who tend to be arrogant by the way, are draining, unpleasant, and annoying.  They don’t listen, they’re always right, and by mid-conversation, you really don’t care!

In the end, arrogance is often not the result of over-confidence, but rather a deep-rooted lack thereof.  Know-it-alls often times are hurting inside and make up for that hurt by being overbearing.  They know it and it ultimately catches up with them.  They let others down and even themselves, and according to Oprah Winfrey, “there is no greater disappointment than the disappointment in oneself.”  Ouch.

Maybe it, like so many things, just comes down to being happy with yourself.  Confident people don’t have to be everything.  They’re convinced they are where they’re supposed to be and are satisfied with their lot in life.  It doesn’t mean they don’t try to meet goals or achieve great things, they just don’t have the need for constant approval and admiration.  They don’t need to prove anything and they generally aren’t the jealous types.  They are, quite simply, content.  I’m confident if more people were honest, that is what we’d all like to accomplish.  Let’s start today.

“The only cure to envy is happiness, but the difficulty is that envy is a terrible obstacle to happiness.”  Bertrand Russell.

I remember logging onto my computer that morning and seeing a headline under the “news stories” section asking “Accident or Terrorism?”  It wouldn’t be long before we all knew it was no accident.

I remember calling Smitty at his office and him immediately coming home.

I remember watching TV news reports with him all day and all night and the horror and helplessness we both felt.

I remember the utter fear I felt when the Pentagon was hit.  I thought, “they’re attacking everywhere and Austin could very well be in their sights.”

I remember seeing the second plane hit the WorldTradeCenter and feeling sick to my stomach.  When both towers collapsed onto themselves, I remember actually crying.

I remember all the people in New York City talking to TV cameras and posting photos of their loved ones, begging someone to tell them they were okay.

I remember hearing the company name “Cantor-Fitzgerald” again and again.  I had never heard of it before, but now 11 years later, I still remember it.

I remember being amazed that even ESPN was covering only the horrific events unfolding.

I remember Kristen getting off the bus that afternoon and I asked her if she’d heard anything in school.  She said something about “bad guys in New York.”

I remember President Bush standing with volunteers and blaring into that bull-horn.

I remember firefighters draping that giant flag on the Pentagon.

I remember being so very grateful that Smitty was not traveling that week.

I remember hearing the Alan Jackson song for the first time.

I remember changing my Fall-themed flag outside my house to a generic stars and stripes one.  It wasn’t the American flag, but it was close enough.

I remember buying a newspaper on 9/12 at a gas station not really near my home.  I’m not sure why I went there to buy it, but to this day, every time I pass it I think of 9/11.

I distinctly remember certain photo images:  the firefighter in the WTC stairwell, the skeleton frame of the WTC standing among the ruins, people dashing into buildings as the towers fell, filling Manhattan with a cloud of dust.

I remember the video of Andy Card whispering in President Bush’s ear while he read to Florida school children.

I remember embassies around the world creating memorials and tributes on our behalf.

When I think back to September 11, 2001 I also think of the fireman I had in my house all day.  He did contracting on the side and had been scheduled to replace my kitchen backsplash that day.  All day I kept telling him to go home to his family but he insisted he wanted to stay, that doing the work gave him something to do amidst all the dismay.  I will never, ever forget what he said when the second tower fell.  He looked at the TV and solemnly said, “A lot of firemen just died.”  How prophetic that I shared the awfulness of that fateful day with a fireman and that firefighters ended up being the true heroes of the day. For many years I called him every September 11 just to see how he was.

How are we today as a country?  We are far from the united front we demonstrated following the attacks and are instead a fractured society that has somehow forgotten what happened that day and how we felt.  How exactly we felt.  I feel it every time I watch a “Friends” rerun and see a skyline shot that includes the TwinTowers.  I have a Barbie book in my classroom that I keep safe and out of three-year-old hands because the “Business Barbie” page includes a photo of the WorldTradeCenter.

Where you were on 9/11/01?  Have the 11 years that have passed changed your opinion of things?  Why?  How?  My hope is that all of you will take a moment today to remember your thoughts of that day and the days that followed.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be truly the UNITED States again?   Mostly, let’s all consider and respect the nearly 3,000 innocent people who lost their lives and the cherished family members they left behind.  It’s all something we should never, ever forget.

“God, please give me the courage and strength to be full of the spirit of joy and hope.  Help me put emphasis on the positive.  Give me the grace to interpret all of reality through the basic attitudes of trust and hope.”

Our daughter Kristen was home over the Labor Day weekend, and I gotta tell you, she’s not finding her sophomore year in college quite as exciting as her freshman year.  Seems she is very time constrained and stressed between challenging classes, a prestigious internship, and a busy social life.  Hmmmm…looks like the real world is setting in and she’s growing up to meet its demands.

In between enjoying my few precious days with her, I read two timely articles that really hit home.  One focused on the growing number of unemployed college graduates while the other one reported the attitudes of those who are employed.  Neither was encouraging.

A recent Associated Press article based on a study by the Center for Labor Market Studies and NortheasternUniversity found that last year about 1.5 million, or 53.6 percent, of bachelor’s degree-holders under the age of 25 were either jobless or underemployed in jobs not proportionate with their field of study.  About half of that 1.5 million are in jobs that don’t even require a college degree.  What’s equally scary is that the number of underemployed increased from the previous year and the 53.6 percent is the highest it’s been in at least 11 years.

On the flip-side, it seems employers are finding this age of workers more needy yet less accepting.  The “Wall Street Journal” recently reported that more and more companies are bending over backwards to meet the demands of Generation Y workers…or as I like to call them, “Generation Now,” as in I want it now!   Companies are trying to make the work place more fun and are guaranteeing promotions after as little as one year.  As Esther Cepeda of “The Washington Post” points out though, this is the generation that grew up in an “everyone gets a trophy” society and a “we’re all winners and deserve everything” mentality.  These are the kids who grew up with flat screens in their bedrooms, smart phones in their designer hand-bags, and cable TV on every screen. Their parents drove them to games and recitals all over town and often to other states and they made sure they had every little thing they needed.  They are a coddled and self-entitled bunch and they will make up more than 40 percent of our nation’s workforce by 2020.  Yikes!  They don’t, however, want anything to do with paying their dues at a company or working their way up.  Nope, they want paid vacation, stock options, cell phones, company cars, and tons of flexibility.  They want it all and they want it their way.  In fact, a 2011 survey by Cisco found that 56 percent of 21-to-29-year-olds surveyed would turn down a job offer if they were told they couldn’t go on social media during the work hours.  What?!

Possessing big dreams and high self esteem is one thing, expecting something for nothing is another.  In the new book “Generation on a Tightrope:  A Portrait of Today’s College Student,” authors Arthur Levine and Diane Dean found that 45 percent of undergraduates have taken remedial courses yet 60 percent of students think their grades undervalue the quality of their work.  Again, these are the kids who always made the team regardless of skill and were constantly awarded for mediocrity.  Why are we surprised that they, as employees and students, expect to be indulged and protected?

Finally, there’s the issue of “Boomerang Kids,” college grads who move back in with their parents due to lack of a job, lack of ambition, or lack of both.  Their numbers are increasing at an alarming rate and their presence is not only affecting mom and dad, but our country’s housing, retirement, and health care industries as well.  As former Texas congressman Dick Armey said, “It used to be that the American dream was owning your own home.  Now it’s getting kids out of the home you own.”  If you asked those very kids though, I bet you’d find that these twenty-somethings aren’t any happier living with their ‘rents than their parents are.  Still, many, even those living on their own, continue to rely on mom and dad to help with rent, cell phone bills, or insurance payments.

So, as the parent of a college student in an expensive out-of-state university, what should I do?  First of all, I told her college is her job and that she’s expected to do well and that secondly, her internship is a class that she’s also expected to excel in even though she won’t get graded in it.  It could, after all, maybe just maybe lead to a job upon graduation…in her field!   I also want her to really take pleasure in college and all it entails:  the friends, the fun, and even the learning.  Take interesting electives, excel in your major, and expect the unexpected.  Focus more on the doing and less on the getting it done.  Prioritize.  Rest.  It’s meant to be special and literally a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but it’s also serious stuff.  Have all the fun you want but know that life is not always about fun and what you put into college will set you up for the rest of your life.  It’s a competitive world out there and one in which today’s stresses will only make you stronger and better equipped to succeed.  After that, I’ll keep praying and keep my fingers crossed!

“I know the plans I have for you.  They are plans for good and not evil and to give you a future of hope. 

In those days when you pray, I will listen.”  Jer 29:10-13

Today I am proud to announce…football season is back!  It’s been a long, hot summer and even though it’s still hot, fall has unofficially arrived by way of kick-offs and first downs.  I couldn’t be happier!  During every bowl season and every Super Bowl game I am equally excited and sad…excited for hopefully really good games and sad because I know it’s at least eight months before another game.  Why do I love football so much?  Sometimes I wonder myself, but I do know one thing:  I will never be a football widow!

I grew up watching football with my dad.  Maybe it was because I was the youngest of three girls.  He didn’t have a son to watch games with, so I tagged along.  My hometown of Santa Fe had equally divided loyalties between the Dallas Cowboys and the Denver Broncos.  I remember loving Charlie Waters, Roger Staubach, and Ed “Too Tall” Jones of the Cowboys.  I had Waters’ poster in my room and I vividly recall when my grandma subscribed to “Sports Illustrated” for me.  I still get it to this day and read every issue cover to cover.   Somewhere between Tom Landry and Jerry Jones, my devotion moved north to Mile High Stadium.  The “Orange Crush,” John Elway, and the fans’ famous “in-com-plete” chants had me hooked.  I cried when they lost the big games and was elated when Elway and company finally won their share of Lombardi trophies.   

Football, to me, is more than just a game.  I understand the plays, love its traditions, and can’t get enough of its many storied rivalries.  Even for those who don’t get the game itself, what’s not to love when bands play a fight song; crazy mascots entertain the crowd; and friends get together for some good, old-fashioned tailgating?  I’ve set up tables and tents in the freezing rain and snow in Buffalo and in 100 degree heat in Okahoma and Texas.  It’s always festive and it’s always fun.  Living in Texas means big time high school football too.  As with pro and college games, we’ve tailgated and filled stadiums big enough for many small colleges and universities to watch young boys play their hearts out.   High school football is a religion in Texas and I love those Friday night lights.  

I also love having friends over to watch football on TV.  I can literally watch every televised game all day Saturday and all day Sunday.  One of my biggest fears last season was having to wake up early Saturday mornings and watch ESPN’s “College Gameday” without Kristen, as it was our weekend ritual when she was in high school.  I also love Monday Night Football and have since the days of Howard Cosell, “Dandy” Don Meredith, and Frank Gifford.  When I close my eyes I can still picture little Kristen dancing to the “Are You Ready For Some Football?”opening song.   I wouldn’t be surprised if at her wedding, Kristen’s favorite photo is similar to this one:

Today you’re more likely to catch me rooting for the Buffalo Bills than the Cowboys or the Broncos.  My husband grew up in Buffalo, and despite going 0-for-4 in consecutive Super Bowls, he still loves his Bills and our only cable TV option is DirectTV because it has the NFL Ticket.   He’s happy to swap “Let’s Go Buffalo” stories, but please don’t even think about mentioning “wide right!”

If truth be told though, my football fanaticism is firmly entrenched in college football.  I love the electricity, I love the pageantry, and I love my Oklahoma Sooners!  I take it seriously, I take it personally, and I’m not the calmest of fans.  I’ve broken lamps and tables during Sooner losses and I’ll argue OU’s storied status till the Sooner Schooner comes home…with anyone.  In many ways, I make my own life difficult considering I’m a Sooner living in Austin, Texas.   It’s not easy, but most of the time it’s fun.  Until we lose.  Even then, I take my coffee like I take my crimson:  with cream.

I still remember walking to home games in Norman, driving to Dallas for the OU-Texas shoot-0ut, and attending many Sooner bowl games, including the Boise State Fiesta Bowl loss and the National Championship game against Florida.  Smitty surprised Kristen and me with the trip, and even though OU lost to the Gators, it will always be one of my most treasured memories.  It was a Bucket List item and I’m so grateful I got to check that one off.

Now, many years later, Kristen is going to Sooner home games and the annual Red River Rivalry.  I am thrilled that she is following in my footsteps and that she loves football, but what makes me especially proud is that she’s making tracks all her own.  She’s interning for the OU Athletic Department, is a “stat runner” between OU and ESPN during Sooner home games, and she gets to attend Bob Stoops’ press conferences every week.  I’m  very proud and a little jealous!

It all goes back to the fact that I love sports in general.  I’m not an athlete per se, but I am a decent tennis player and golfer and was a pretty good snow skier back in the day.  I sat on the OU Athletics Council next to Barry Switzer, covered sports as a journalist,  promoted them as a publicist, and now follow them passionately as a fan.  I am not just a fan, I’m a fanatic!

What I don’t like is that, in many ways, sports, and football in general, have become just another big business full of people short on loyalty and big on doing whatever it takes to win.  I remember the days when players and coaches stayed with a team for entire careers.  Today it’s hard to keep up with who plays where or who coaches what team.  Maybe that’s why Tim Tebow struck such a positive chord with fans last year.  Here was a man…a true gentleman…who, despite being a real-life champion, was just as committed to high morals as he was to high scoring wins.  He also wasn’t afraid to talk about God, family, and clean living and I for one found him inspiring and refreshing.

So this weekend this couch potato is so looking forward to sitting back, watching pre-game shows with my coffee and then anxiously waiting for kick-offs with maybe some queso and Buffalo wings.  It’s where you’ll find me every Saturday until January.  Are you ready for some football?!

“Nostalgia is a denial of the painful present.”  Midnight in Paris movie

I was watching the movie “Midnight in Paris” recently and that quote struck me.  As many of you know, I’m a very nostalgic person but not because my present is painful.  I’m just very sentimental.  I have many friends who are as well, and my friend Liza is the perfect example. 

I’ve known Liza for 15+ years now and have always loved being around her.  She is funny, she is talented, she is genuine, and she’s a great mom.  All of this has now made her somewhat famous.

Liza’s son Grant recently got married, and at his rehearsal dinner she gave him a lamp.  It wasn’t just any lamp though, it’s something she’s been making for him literally his whole life.  The lamp, pictured above,  is one of those hallow glass lamps you can fill with whatever you want.  Liza, the crafty and clever mom that she is, filled it with the treasures she collected out of his pockets before doing his laundry.  She did this as a subtle punishment for not empyting his pockets.   What she ended up with years later were treasures; treasures dating back to his early, early childhood!  Grant loved it so much he posted a picture of it on-line and now Liza and Grant are certified viral!  “The Huffington Post” wrote a blurb on it.  “Yahoo Trending” interviewed them both!  And, it’s even on Pinterest!  The lamp now sits in Grant’s office and he and his wife plan to do the same thing for their future kids.  All this, my friends, because Liza is nostalgic.

I’ve never been as creative as Liza, but I still am surprised at myself for doing something similar for my daughter Kristen.  On her very first birthday, I bought a somewhat “grown up” card about “watching you grow throughout the years.”  Every year on her birthday, I’d write a note detailing the previous year.  I never let her see those notes though, until her 18^th birthday, when I gave it to her.  Even she, the non-nostalgic daughter of mine, teared up reading it.  From pacifiers to prom dates; it’s all in there.  It’s still hard for me to read.  It’s also hard for me to watch the graduation video music montage my friend Ana’s son Max made for her graduation.  I remember my husband and I listening to the music from it driving away after dropping her off at college for the first time.  We lasted about two songs before we realized it wasn’t such a great idea!

A recent popular trend right now is to have every teacher in your child’s life write in Dr. Seuss’ book “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” and give it to them for graduation.  I love that idea!  Scrapbooks are also all the rage, something I never really got into.  I much prefer this t-shirt quilt Ana made for Kristen for her graduation.  It is beautiful and has t-shirts from her entire life! 

I also like looking at the photos I take of Kristen’s hand on top of her dad’s on each of her birthdays.  My hope is to complete the collection with one from her wedding.

In today’s busy world of shuffling kids off to practices and recitals, sometimes it’s hard to take the time to really and truly document their little lives.  It’s never too late to start!

I would love to know if you’ve created something unique for your kiddos.  Do share!

“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.”  Native American wisdom.

God,

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.