Beyond Words

In honor of my mom and all moms out there, here are just a few of my favorite quotes about moms:

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.”  Cardinal Mermillod

A good mother is like a quilt:  she keeps her children warm but doesn’t smother them.

A worried mom does better research than the FBI.

“Women who make a house a home make a far greater contribution to society than those who command large armies or stand at the head of impressive corporations.”  Gordon B. Hinckley

“It is difficult to know what counts most in the world but I am beginning to see that the things that really matter take place not in the boardrooms, but in the kitchens of the world.”  Gary Allen Sledge

“Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven.”  Henry Ward Beecher

A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be a friend.

Perhaps that last one is the one that rings truest to me today.  My daughter is a little girl who’s grown up to be my friend; in many ways my best friend.  At the same time, my mom is today my trusted friend.  I still rely on her for so much wisdom and prayer and I see better today all that she sacrificed for me and know I am safe and healthy because of her prayers.   She is so faithful to the mother of us all, Blessed Mary, and I know Mary is protecting me as I go about my days.  Thank you mom for all you’ve done for me and thank you Kristen for making me proud.  Most of all, thank you God for putting the two of them in my life.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Facebook and Beyond

Just yesterday, my daughter Kristen changed my Facebook profile photo because she didn’t like it.  No, it wasn’t a bratty or disrespectful thing to do if you know the story behind it, but it got me thinking:  could I do the same to her FB page?  The answer is yes, but that might not be the case with so many parents out there and even with you, my dear readers.  Do you know your child’s passwords?  ALL their passwords?  Are you familiar with the vast array of social media sites kids are using today?

First of all, it’s important to know that Facebook is just one social site that kids today are logging onto.  What’s even more important to know is that Facebook is not deemed the coolest of sites by those same kids.  As reported by the Associated Press recently, Facebook is considered the “school-sanctioned prom” to teenagers and all the others apps are the “much cooler after party.”  No, Facebook hasn’t gone the way of MySpace, but it’s certainly feeling the heat from rivals such as Twitter, Instagram, Flickr, Snapchat, Kik Messenger and even YouTube and Pinterest.  Haven’t heard of them?  Read on…

I think most of you have an idea of what YouTube and Pinterest are, but here’s a breakdown of some of the other sites your kids may be using:

Facebook:  I won’t go into any detail on this popular site because you’re more than likely on it yourself or at least familiar with it, but did you know a user (your child!) can use custom settings on their FB account to control who sees what on their profile?  In other words, I probably don’t see as much on my daughter’s friends’ sites as she does, even though I am “friends” with them.

Twitter:  Twitter is an online social networking service that enables users to send and receive text-based messages of up to 140 characters, known as “tweets.”  To me, “tweets” are very similar to Facebook status updates, except that they are done much more often.  Users seem to tweet everything they do and think and love the fact that they have “followers,” those invited to “follow” their tweets.  Today it’s estimated there are more than 500 million registered Twitter users, including many celebs, and more than 340 million tweets are generated daily.   Unregistered users on the popular website can read tweets, but only registered users can post tweets.  It is extremely popular with college students.

Instagram:  Instagram is free software that digitally enhances photos and posts them to an online account.  It is considered fairly safe as long as users keep their privacy settings very limited and don’t post any questionable pics.  Problems tend to arise once those Instagrammed photos are posted on sites like Facebook, which ironically bought Instagram last year.

Flickr:  “Flicker” is a photo and video hosting website  and online community owned by Yahoo. In addition to being a popular website for users to share and embed personal photographs, the service is widely used by bloggers like me as a source of photos and images.  There are reportedly more than 6 billion images and videos available, which can be accessed without an account but an account is needed to upload content onto the website. Widely used on computers, Flickr also has a popular mobile app.

Snapchat:  One of IPhone’s top 10 most popular free apps, Snapchat lets users send a text, photo, or video that self-destructs within 10 seconds of being opened, leaving no room for tracking or tracing.  But, users need to keep in mind that anyone who receives their Snapchat post can use those 10 seconds to take a “screenshot” of it and save it indefinitely.

Kik Messenger:  The most inviting thing about “Kik” is that it permits anonymity to its users.  It also allows unlimited texting and is a free app.  Use a random nickname or user name and a person’s real name, identity, or phone number may never revealed.

Sound scary?  They are, especially when you consider that fact that many mobile apps don’t require a cellphone or credit card.  They’re all free as long as there is a wireless connection available.  Some parents are opting to shut off their home’s Wi-Fi after certain hours but many of those same parents admit they are not the sharpest tools in the high tech shed when it comes to social media.  In many ways, today’s “tech talk” is yesterday’s “sex talk” with your children…it’s that important.  In the same vein, technology education for parents is comparable to sex education.  Study it.  Learn it.  Live it.

It’s a tough thing to stay on top of though, and I’m right there with you.  According to the Federal Trade Commission, there are more than 800,000 apps available through Apple and nearly that many available on Google Play.  Many parents aren’t even aware that their children use any or all of these sites until something goes wrong and trouble comes calling.

So, just because you don’t see racy pics or posts on your child’s Facebook page, don’t stop there.  And no, it’s not a matter of control or privacy.  It’s a matter of safety and care.  If you’re doing it just to be nosey, stop right there.  But if you’re worried about something in particular, check it out.  They could be tweeting or Snapchatting as you read this!

All.  The.  Time.

It’s a very special day in our country today.  It’s not a day off from work or school and it’s not a day when we exchange cards or presents but, it’s important nonetheless.  It is, The National Day of Prayer.  Like many of you, I pray every day so a “national day to pray” may seem a bit redundant, but it’s not…it’s actually very powerful.

President Harry Truman officially established one day a year as a “National Day of Prayer” in 1952, but left the date of choice to each subsequent president.  It was President Ronald Reagan who designated the first Thursday of May as the official annual National Day of Prayer.

So what exactly is this day to pray?  Congress designated it to be a day of observance for people “to turn to God in prayer and meditation.”  The two stated intentions of the day are for it to be a day when adherents of all great religions could unite in prayer and that it be a day to bring renewed respect for God to all peoples of the world.  As with anything secular, the day has been both criticized and debated, so far all to no avail legally.

There is no official ceremony for the day but traditionally the President issues an official proclamation.  Presidents Reagan and George H.W. Bush each hosted events to commemorate the day once during their administrations, while President George W. Bush held events every year while he was in office.  There are no plans for any formal White House events today, but we as a country should pray nonetheless and President Obama has issued a proclamation that says in part, “All of us have the freedom to pray and exercise our faiths openly. Our laws protect these God-given liberties, and rightly so. Today and every day, prayers will be offered in houses of worship, at community gatherings, in our homes, and in neighborhoods all across our country. Let us give thanks for the freedom to practice our faith as we see fit, whether individually or in fellowship.”

The National Day of Prayer Task Force has selected Greg Laurie as this year’s Honorary Chairman, who offers the following prayer for this year:

Father, we come to You to pray for our nation, the United States of America.

How You have blessed us through the years, Lord! We rightly sing, “America, America, God shed His grace on thee.” Yet we see trouble in our culture today. We see the breakdown of the family, crippling addictions, and random acts of horrific violence.

Lord, we need Your help in America.  In recent days, we have done our best to remove Your Word and Your counsel from our courtrooms, classrooms and culture. It seems, as President Lincoln once said, that we have “forgotten God.” But Lord, You have not forgotten us! You can bless and help and revive our country again.  Lord, in Your mercy, we ask that You would exalt our country again.

That is our prayer for America today, Lord. Send a mighty spiritual awakening that will turn the hearts of men and women, boys and girls back to you. Forgive us today, Lord, and heal this troubled land that we love so much.

We ask all of this in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen.

Ouch.  Scary but true, right?  So what makes you happy?  Is anyone really happy?  My husband just asked me that very question, and after thinking long and hard about it, all I could come up with was being a wife, mother, and generally living my life in peace.   Kristen makes me happy.  My dog Boomer makes me happy.  My job and the kids in my class generally make me happy.  On my Facebook page, I wrote,  “I love being around friends, family and anyone who makes me laugh. I love deep conversations. I hate small talk. I hate people who are sneaky, braggy or phony. I love dogs, good music, massages, my annual college girls’ trip, coffee, good wine, Stone Crab, home décor, lighthouses, thunderstorms, snow, the beach, the mountains, the smell of Play-Do, brand new tennis balls, sinking a long putt, cashews, Marcona almonds, bookstores, Easter lilies, daisies, reading a really good book, and my Oklahoma Sooners!”  I guess that pretty much sums up what makes me happy.  Done.  No mas.

Of course we all know it’s never that simple.  “The pursuit of happiness” may be in the Declaration of Independence, but it’s not a guarantee and it’s not in the Bill of Rights.   Being happy takes work, and with so much horror and grief taking place nationally the past week or so, it’s been tough to find or feel real joy.  What is the difference between joy and happiness?  Is there a difference?

Entertainer and talk show host Steve Harvey recently put it this way:  he said “fun” is going to Vegas, the beach or a concert.  “Joy,” however, is peace of mind and being happy with who you are.  Seems he and Mr. Zigler agree on this fact.

Just last month findings from a UC Berkeley study on what and who makes us feel content were released and they were somewhat shocking.  No, money and fame were not even near the top of the list.  Of those asked about household income, social standing, personality and a sense of well-being, what was mentioned most as contributing to their happiness and sense of satisfaction  is how much they’re respected by their  friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors.  The key, it appears, is being valuable to the people around you.

“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  Mark Twain.

It’s been said that for every minute you’re angry, you lose one minute of happiness.   I know there are many out there who have every right to be unhappy right now.  These can be depressing times and we all deserve to be “down” at times.  It’s important to acknowledge feelings of sadness but it’s equally  important to lift ourselves up out of those periods of sadness before they become a way of life.

Often times, many of us mistake comfort for happiness.  “I’ll be happy when I have that new luxury car.”  “If I had a bigger house, I’d be happier.”   Not always the case though, right?  Sure, our new couch that arrived Saturday makes me happy, but it hasn’t really changed my life in any big or true way.  Yes, it’s comfortable and pretty, but comfort is easy; joy is harder.

Mark Hansen of the “Post Masculine” website recently wrote about this very thing.  He notes that Americans have become complacent and entitled, resulting in our inability to handle anything unpleasant in our lives.  It’s also disconnecting us from the very things that drive true happiness:  relationships, unique experiences, feeling self-appreciative, and achieving goals.  Sounds like Mr. Hansen and UC Berkeley are preaching to the same unhappy choirs.

“The true secret of happiness lies in the taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life.”  William Morris.

Maybe we’re just trying too hard.  Maybe we need to count our blessings and smell the roses instead of constantly looking at the glass half full.  Instead of always striving for perfection, maybe we should just be satisfied with good.  I’m not saying lower our standards or settle for less, but maybe think twice about what it is you want and need and the difference between the two.  (Gretchen Rubin has written about this in her two books, “The Happiness Project” and “Happier at Home.”  I highly recommend both of them.)

I think of the country club neighborhood I live in.  Year after year I hear people complain about one thing or another about the club and its many amenities.  Is it perfect?  No.  Is anyone or anywhere?  No!  I’ve always thought to myself, “If you’re complaining about your country club, your life is okay.”

That’s just another case in point that rich is a relative term.   In fact, a 2010 Princeton University study found that life satisfaction rises with income but that everyday happiness – the very type of happiness most of us strive for – changes little once a person earns $75,000 a year.  I follow Susie Davis’ “Good News Girl” blog and loved a post of hers last year detailing this very thing.   Susie wrote that, although each of us may not be considered rich compared to some of the most wealthy in the country, compared to the majority of those worldwide, we in fact are.  Her “Seven Quick Ways to Know if You’re Rich” included things like discovering you’re out of milk so you just drive to the store and buy some; when your car is empty, you fill it up; if you break your cell phone, you get a new one; you have electricity and hot water; and perhaps my favorite:  you have so much food in your ‘fridge, pantry and freezer that it could last you months.   Think about it…you are probably indeed “rich.”

“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.”

This reminds me of shoes and the fact that I can choose a pair for every outfit I have.  I am certainly rich in shoes!  In my preschool class I used to sing the “Happy New Shoes” song each time one of my students came to class in a new pair of shoes.  The song is the same tune as “Happy Birthday” and I got the idea from my teaching mentor, Ms. Christine, who had taught in an inner-city school where a new pair of shoes was a huge deal.  Sadly, in my suburbia class, I found I was singing the song almost daily and that it wasn’t having the impact it should.  Needless to say Ms. Carla no longer sings the “New Shoes” song to her students.

Globally, happiness and rich can mean entirely different things than they mean in the U.S.A.  In general, countries around the world measure how well society is doing by how much one earns, how many electronics are sold, and how many homes are built.  That’s HOW WELL THEY”RE DOING, not how happy they are.  Happiness means many things to many people.  Enter, happiness initiatives, federally-funded studies that measure happiness.

According to Gallup, U.S. wealth per capita has soared in recent years, but Americans aren’t necessarily any happier than before.   Columbia University’s “World Happiness Report” did find that higher incomes do indeed boost joy in poor countries, but in richer nations, more money made a small impact on one’s happiness.  Political freedom, social support, job security, health and stable families meant more across the board.

“Happiness is a place between too much and too little.”  Finnish proverb

So just where are the happiest people in on Earth…literally?  Of the 156 countries studied, Denmark, Finland, Norway, the Netherlands and Canada ranked highest.  Looks like we all need to move to Scandinavia!  The U.S. ranked 11^th highest, proving that although it is the richest country, it’s by no means the happiest.   Yep, “someone else is happy with less than what you have” seems more than appropriate here.

Maybe that’s the secret.  The more we think we’re happy, the happier we might be.  I like it.   After all, if we aren’t grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we will be happier with more or something different?    Today, I will choose joy and live by what Dale Carnegie said, “Happiness doesn’t depend on who you are or what you have, it depends solely on what you think.”

Think happy thoughts friends and have a happy day!

Not quite true scripture today, but I love “Duck Dynasty” and love that prayer is such a big part of the show and their lives.

To me, the above sums it all up and is something I’ve encouraged my daughter to live by.  It’s not always easy though, which got me wondering, what exactly encompasses being a successful lady on every level?  What is elegance and how does it differ from charm, grace and class?  Where do manners and style come in?  Can I be feminine yet strong?  Let’s examine all of these.

Just last week I was telling my friend Jeannie that, with Kristen growing up, my mantra to her almost every time I talk to her has changed from “make good choices” to “be smart and be a lady.”  Although I know making good choices is still paramount, now I simply ask her, “WWAD?” and she knows that means, “what would Audrey do,” as in Hepburn.

Some say Audrey Hepburn was the quintessential lady, and I happen to agree.  She was elegant, stylish, modest, smart, and caring.  It’s important to note that she, however, wasn’t your classic All-American or bleach-blonde beauty.  In many ways she was considered beautiful because of the many additional qualities she possessed and not solely because of her physical beauty.

So what makes a true lady?

Yes, I indeed wonder and yet I am not always a lady, just ask anyone who’s watched a football game with me!  I also tend to be outspoken and fairly confident in my beliefs and abilities and I can tend to have a potty mouth when upset.  Although I admit I often need to “rein these in,” other than the potty mouth, are they necessarily bad traits?

In her book “Lean In:  Women , Work and the Will to Lead,” Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg has started a bestselling firestorm claiming women haven’t made the progress they maybe should have over the last decade because they don’t “lean in” and better position themselves for promotions and senior positions.

Perhaps, but I also believe women need to be women, not men, and be true to themselves.  Just because someone is feminine doesn’t mean she’s weak.  Just because you are pretty doesn’t mean you need to dumb yourself down.  Today many women think they need to “toughen up” and be more masculine, but coming off as extremely independent and assertive doesn’t always lead to success.  You don’t need to be a push over or doormat, but you need not give anyone the opportunity to use the “b” word when describing you.

“I believe in feminine strength,” says Karla M. Davis of “The Classy Woman” blog.  “I believe in a woman being soft, elegant and graceful yet at the same time being intelligent, strong, intellectual and hardworking.”

Indeed, smart is beautiful. Unless you’re a supermodel, looks will never be enough, so it’s imperative we women receive a good, strong education.  Degree in hand, you should continue to learn, making it a life-long goal by way of interesting hobbies, reading, travel, writing, continuing ed classes, etc.  You should never cease at wanting to learn more.  Street smarts are also important.  Who hasn’t met that Ph.D holder who can’t hold a conversation or write a legit thank-you note?!

Elegance, grace, composure, warmth, charm, and class are also beautiful, yet you don’t have to be physically beautiful to be any or all of them. Think about it, it’s those people who try too hard that well, come across as they’re trying too hard.   When you try to make an impression, that’s the impression you make.

If you are a true lady with class and elegance, you are a natural and are naturally kind and caring to others.  Think of Audrey Hepburn.  She was successful and wealthy beyond words, but she dedicated much of her life to improving the lives of others.  She is the perfect example of treating others fairly, regardless of their lot in life, and living by the motto “no one is better than me and I am better than no one.”

Etiquette and manners also come into play…and in a major role.  As a matter of fact, it is nearly impossible to be an elegant lady without good manners.  As Horace Mann said, “Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals.”  Best of all, everyone is capable of learning and practicing good manners; you don’t have to be rich to have them and it’s not just about table settings.

So very true.  And, in spite of what many believe, having high standards does not necessarily make you a snob, as long as you pursue those standards in a humble and sincere way.  Arrogance and cockiness are two of the least most elegant and charming qualities I can think of…right up there with phony and sneaky.  I love someone who is just at home at a greasy diner as a five-star restaurant.  And, I’m not impressed if you know wine labels but I am impressed if you say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am.”

To me, if you have good manners you are more confident.  You are composed when you need to be composed (I could learn a thing or two about this!) and you move with grace and dignity. You are also modest, whether about what you wear or what you earn.  I’ll never forget my friend Shelly telling me that, while growing up in West Texas, her grandpa always told her that “those with old money and no money are the same…they don’t talk about it.”  Well said grandpa!

That brings us to dressing like a lady and one with elegance, style, and class.

Nothing rattles me more than seeing someone dressed in something inappropriate, either age-wise or style-wise.  Casual doesn’t have to be sloppy and formal doesn’t mean slutty.  You don’t look great because you show off your body; you look great when you have style.  It doesn’t take money to have style, it just takes…style!   I’ve blogged about this before and can’t stress it enough!  Ladies, please:

1. If you wore something when it was first on trend, when it comes back in style you are more than likely too old to wear it again.
2. Just because something fits doesn’t mean it looks good or that you should buy it.
3. Dress your age, regardless of your figure and size.
4. Remember, your clothes are often the first impression you give off.  What you wear is telling others, “this is me!”

Okay, now that I’ve gotten those out of the way, let’s talk about dressing with those same ideas of grace, modesty, and dignity in mind.  It’s all the subject of a recent book I bought entitled “How to Be a Hepburn in a Hilton World” by Jordan Christy.  (Kristen:  are you still with me????)

In the news this week is a story about a middle school principal that is forbidding 8^th grade girls attending a school dance to wear strapless dresses.  Good idea, right?  Well, apparently not everyone in the school agrees and the directive has caused quite a controversy.  My question is, why would 8^th grade girls want to wear a strapless dress?  Oh yeah, I forgot, we’re living in a Hilton world.

What’s happened to a little thing called class, and I’m not talking about school?  Yes, being classy can also entail being sophisticated and polite, but it by no means has anything to do with wealth.   You can be classy merely because you have self-respect.  You can also be classy in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.  Designer clothes do not make a lady elegant or classy, her personal style and tastes do…as long as they are proper and somewhat refined…and the older you get, the more this should be adhered to.  Notice I did not say expensive.  Elegance and being a lady are priceless.  My grandma Dodie was anything but wealthy, but she always wore earrings and lipstick and her daughter, my sweet mom, has always had a sense of style.

So yes, it’s important we as women move on and move ahead, but at what cost?  Do we really want to sacrifice our femininity for a corner office?  Is it more important to attract attention than it is to earn respect?   Maybe it truly does all go back to WWAD?