Beyond Words

I had lunch with some dear friends yesterday and during our time together one of them mentioned that she hadn’t seen any of my blogs of late. I told her I’ve had so much going on in my life, including many a crisis and heartbreak, that I just didn’t have the energy to write. She wisely said, “Maybe that’s the best reason to write.” Bingo Liz. You were right so here I am. Blogging. Writing. Lamenting.

 

Remember when we all couldn’t wait for 2020 to end and for 2021 to start fresh and new? Well, I’d give my right arm (which, BTW is one of my laments today) to go back to 2020 and say adios to 2021. As a nester and introvert, 2020’s lockdown felt “safe at home” not “stuck at home” to me and I loved it. Yes, there was worry and fear about the virus and I occasionally missed lunches with friends, travel, and shopping but on the whole, I was okay. I was also the most physically fit I’d been in years. I walked with abandon, took up tennis again and played 2-3 times a week, golfed regularly, treasured my online yoga class, and ate healthy for the most part.

 

Then came 2021.

 

Seemingly overnight but in reality in just in a matter of one month, our country was turned upside down and the pandemic was anything but gone. I could go on and on about this, but anyone who knows me knows where I stand and anyone who loves what’s going on and is responsible for it can go stand somewhere else.

 

Thankfully, I did sneak in an annual college girls’ trip in February, which was so good for the soul, but soon after returning all of Texas found itself not stuck in COVID, but rather SNOVID. For an entire week power was in and out, freezing rain was followed by ice and snow, and cities and towns were shut down for days on end. Again, for a nester it was kinda cool but after two days of sitting at home in a full-length puffer, long-johns, and ski cap the cool quickly wore off and we were ready for some heat. I will say however, those COVID masks made for great face warmers!

 

After that weather weirdness spring sprung but so did a lot more. Our long-planned trip to Lake Tahoe was partly hampered by wild fires but I’m not complaining. It was memorable and fun in its own crazy way. So, not to go into too much detail and bore you to death, I’ll just quickly mention what all’s had me in a funk during the past six months or so:

 

• I finally had to medically address back and leg issues that unfortunately may have been exasperated by all that physical activity I mentioned about. Go figure. I had to get an MRI, the worst nightmare for a claustrophobic like me, which resulted in a back injection and now PT. Things have improved some but am pretty sure my neck and right arm are up next and will probably require much of the same. Awesome.

 

• Family members were hit head on by a drunk driver and are still healing physically and emotionally. Seeing them suffer while staying with them on multiple occasions to help out was taxing and painful. So needless. So senseless.

 

• Our daughter has been on an emotional roller-coaster of her own and suffered the ultimate of heartaches, from which she is still healing. Jeremiah 29:11 is reassuring as always and she is a strong woman but no mom wants to see her daughter suffer on any level. When she hurts, I hurt.

 

• My sisters and I are taking the final steps of placing our mom in an assisted living facility, a move she is fighting every step of the way, making a hard decision even harder. It’s time though and she will be safer and hopefully happy.

 

• Oh, and did I mention our country, its economy, and world standing are all falling apart daily? This is what happens when hate rules people’s thoughts and choices. There’s nothing like sitting in your childhood home for probably the last time with your mom and watching our country surrender to and arm an enemy we so vehemently once opposed live on TV.

 

• And after wiping tear after tear off my face as we drove home from mom’s, the very next day one of our dogs was on death’s door for more than 48 hours…all while I’m dealing with my daughter and my mom…but she has rebounded like a Phoenix.

 

• In the span of one week I sent sympathy flowers to three friends who lost their dads and a card to another.

 

• Oh, and let’s not forget 9/11 and the 20^th anniversary of that devastating day.

 

And that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head.

 

It literally has felt like I haven’t been able to deal with one blow before another blows me over.

 

But like Nikki our dog with apparently nine lives, I continue to try to live my best life and be grateful and live as if the above is true. I’m not looking for pity or pretending I’m alone and “woe is me.” For me, putting it all down in writing is actually therapeutic and I’m so grateful to my friend for encouraging me to do so. Trust me, I know so much of what has happened could have been so much worse and in the midst of all the pain, I’m more convinced than ever that God’s protection reigned and Guardian Angels were working overtime.

 

 

That’s one of my favorite quotes from one of my all-time favorite movies and is so true. I’m paying a lot more closer attention to the good stuff but still, and as always, we tend to ask “Why?” I was talking to my husband about our daughter’s pain and asked “What is the lesson to be learned here?” to which he answered, “Carla, maybe there isn’t a lesson. Maybe it’s just life.” Ouch. I hate it when he’s right!

 

I also know that many have it much worse. A mom I know lost her son tragically and was diagnosed with colon cancer in a matter of months. I ache for her and wish I could share her pain and take so much of it away.

 

 

That is so true and often proves itself as time passes. But, we can never heal by going back to what breaks us and as Leanna Crawford so eloquently sings in her song “Fragile Heart,” “Where you feel apart becomes where you begin.” Amen sister.

 

I still have much to deal with and get through and find myself bummed one minute and grateful the next. I’d really like 2021 to begin again but since that’s not happening, I need to.

 

The old saying “God never gives you more than you can handle” has popped in my head almost on a daily basis and when it does I most often say, “Okay, I’m good here God. You can stop.” But, I also know He helps us handle what we are given and will be there every step of the way for me and with me. Believing this and that everything will be okay is hard for me though. I’m a worrier. I’m really good at it.

 

But as luck and God would have it, I just this week ran across a workshop by one of my most favorite people on earth that has my name written all over it. It’s called the “Creative Courage Workshop” presented by spiritual mamma and all around amazing human Susie Davis. I’m signed up for the virtual event and could not have signed up faster.

 

You might be interested too. Designed for anyone who strives for peace instead of worry and fear and anyone tired of anxiety and worry bossing them around, it’s worth considering. Give it a look at susiedavis.org. The world is a scary place right now and I for one need calmness, peace, and faith.

 

To get there, I need to let go of so much. I need to let go of worry and fear. I need to let go of guilt and setting boundaries. I need to let go of wanting to fix everything. I need to let go of my fantasies. I need to do what I can but accept I can’t do it all and fix everything. In short, I need to leave everything in God’s hands so I’m more able to see His hand in everything.  I can’t wait to see what that looks like. Hopefully calmer and better.

 

I’ll leave you with a fun little graphic below. Read it first top to bottom and then bottom to top. It’s amazing what a little change in perspective can make. Enjoy!