Beyond Words

It’s been a long couple of months in our country and I for one am glad the vitriol is over. I posted the above photo after last Tuesday’s election and have lived by it for years both because I have lived in a city for almost 40 years that leans opposite of what I do in most things and because it’s the right thing to do. Many longtime friends lean differently then I do but, except for a handful who have come and gone, I remain friends with them after all these years. Most of them are very dear and treasured friends and we have survived many an election and I’m confident we will survive many more. Those who are no longer on the radar either chose to walk away from our friendship or on a few rare occasions, I have. And that’s okay.

Sadly, I’ve seen lots of inflammatory and insulting posts and a friend private messaged me regarding my above post and it was heartbreaking. Apparently, a dear friend of hers of nearly 50 years and who is considered family in so many ways, “unfriended” her. My friend is both lost and heartbroken and I was at a loss for words when she told me. What do you say?

What I wanted to say is “shame on her!” No one deserves that and to do it on social media is even more egregious. But such is the time we live in as much as we claim to be tolerant and as I’ve personally witnessed in posts. It’s all very sad and very, well, unfriendly.

This all brought up an article I recently read on doing a friendship audit and now might be as good a time as any to consider doing one. What exactly am I talking about? Basically, just taking stock of your circles of friends and whether you’re experiencing more pain than gain from them. I can honestly say I don’t feel the need to do this personally, but I have experienced these types of audits in the past so I thought I’d share what I’ve learned and what I read.

There’s no arguing that there’s no comfort in the world like a good friend or a good group of friends. I’m blessed with many and I count my blessings almost daily for each and every one of them. We all long for friends who lift us up, make us laugh, and encourage and support us. Sadly, sometimes we discover that some pals may be sapping our energy and no longer inspiring us. Those are the ones we should consider a friendship audit for. How so?

Psychotherapist and author Terri Cole and friendship expert and coach Shari Land shared their thoughts with “Woman’s Day” and I’ll share some with you here.

Cole suggests we audit our friendships once-a-year or so and to start by asking yourself three questions:

• How do I feel when I think about spending time with them?
• How do I feel when we’re together?
• How do I feel after?

If you answer anything other than some version of “good” or “great” or things like excited, happy, supported, heard, inspired, loved, uplifted, or understood, it may be time to consider cutting ties. Considering that many friends in our transient lives may live miles away, I would include “talking to” along with the “spending time with” question and to always give grace to those friends who may be going through a tough time.

The goal is to be intentional about spending time with those who make you feel your best, even when you’re not at your best. It’s also important to stay open and flexible. Not all friendships are obvious at the start and not are all meant to last. There’s a famous saying that goes “friends are there for a reason or for a season.” Be honest with yourself and be open to not clinging to friendships that drain you or fail to nurture you and also be open to gravitating to those who aren’t like you. I have many friends whose interests are different then mine but I learn from them and they open my eyes to new and different perspectives. Think Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart and you might just find that friend who surprises you and enhances your life in ways you never thought possible.

Finding new friends can be difficult as we get older though. When you want to meet new people, it’s recommended you join three things: a health-related local cause or class, a social club, and an arts organization. Research shows that we tend to like people better when we believe they like us and it’s no secret that people will respond warmly when you make a friendly gesture, so show someone you’d like to become closer. Be intentional too. Make time for those important to you and who make you feel your best and always be willing to take a chance.

Friendships happen at all stages of life so be sure to surround yourself with the right people for where you are right now. In your 20s, a friend might be one who likes the same nightlife as you do but during your parenting years, it’s likely those who have kids the same age and in the same activities. As you mature in your career, your coworkers may be your best buddies and as you age and retire, it’s often more about character and interests that you gravitate toward.

If you feel the time has come to cut the ties that bind you, don’t be bound to not letting go even though letting go of a once-cherished friendship is said to be as painful as a romantic breakup; especially if there’s a lot of history. The key is to move forward with your integrity in tact and not holding onto a friendship because you feel guilty. Let go of the guilt and let go.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary researchers agree that strong bonds with other people are keys to happiness. But they also note that the things we do to impress others rarely impresses them for long but the things we do to provide value can last a lifetime. Be honest, be kind, and be you. After that, the politics will take care of themselves and you can vote to move ahead or move on.