Beyond Words

Earlier this year my husband and I celebrated our 40^th wedding anniversary and commemorated it last month with a wonderful trip to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. We had a blast but I gotta say, wherever we went we were asked the same question, “What’s the secret to staying married so long?”

It got me thinking.

What is the secret? For me, it all comes down to “The Big C:” commitment. You must be committed to your marriage and your spouse. For richer, for poorer, right? Granted, all of this pertains to healthy relationships. Any sign of abuse and things are off the table.

My list of Cs continue with Communication, Compromise, Compassion, Common interests, and Comedy. You have to have laughter and joy!

From there I like to say the other “C” is “Corinthians,” as in the Book of Corinthians scripture, particularly 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  You’ve all heard it, the famous “Love is patient, love is kind” passage. As a college student I had to memorize it for initiation and as a bride we included the reading in our wedding mass. I love it and I love the idea of replacing “love” with either your name or your spouse’s. If you’re contemplating someone as a potential spouse, it’s always a good idea to put their name in place of it too. Try it:

Powerful, right?

From there I’d go to the “Fs:” Flexible, Forgiving, Faithful, and Fun. Yep; there’s that fun again! Strong and happy couples play together…and play separately. Hubby has his boys golf trips and weekly tee times and I have my girls trips, book club, and prayer groups. When you expand and grow as a person through outside and separate activities, your relationship does too. You never want to live parallel lives though, just two lives that thrive together and thrive individually. Build lives but also build in rituals of connection. You are a team. Play as one. At the same time, don’t keep score and always think of “winning.” You are on the same team.

And the faithful part? I’m 100 percent convinced that it is the holy grail glue that keeps a marriage rock-solid rather than rocky. Pray people. Pray!

It all sounds fairly cut and dry and simple, right? But in between all of that, spouses also have to be kind, thoughtful, grateful, accountable, respectful, trustworthy, reliable, fair, and adaptable. All the money in the bank and fancy cars and houses are nothing without them. Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100. Some days you’ll carry 80 percent and others 20 percent. It’s called partnership.

Courtesy: Maggie Hayes Barton

I also like these six traits of happily married couples I saw online: together out of choice; shared values, beliefs, interests, and goals; express anger clearly and respectfully; share physical attraction; and support each other’s goals, interests, and careers. Amen to all that!

Marriage takes a lot. A lot of love, a lot of patience, and a lot of work. A happy couple is not a “perfect couple” and anyone who says they are, is lying. Instead, a happy couple is a couple that learns to enjoy each other’s quirks and differences and works on creating special moments even out of the simplest of times and things.

Everyone talks about being “in love,” but it’s important to remember that love is a verb, not just a feeling. You must love someone as feelings fade. And never stop loving and dating each other. Surprises can be fun and gifts for no reason go a long way.

Here some more powerful tips and traits partially from marcandangel.com:

1. Practice self-care as individuals. Stay healthy. What you see in the mirror is what you see in your relationship. Joy comes from within. The first step to having a healthy relationship with someone else is to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Your goals should be to have good relationship, but a good and healthy relationship too…in every sense of the word. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.
2. Stand together. Don’t let outsiders call the shots and never criticize each other in front of others.
3. Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s. Remember, no one’s marriage or life is perfect.
4. Intimacy…about everything…makes relationships last. This includes the lovey-dove stuff but also honest communication and openness about concerns, fears, sadness, hopes, dreams, and happiness.
5. Accept each other without trying to change each other. The deepest craving of humans is the need to be appreciated and feeling like you aren’t what they want you to be will always end in disappointment, not change.
6. Make uninterrupted time for each other. If you neglect your relationship, your relationship will neglect you.
7. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Share your thoughts. The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems. Most relationship problems start with bad communication but remember communication isn’t about being right, it’s about being understood.
8. Listen intently without judgement and not just to reply, but to understand. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as wells as your own. Don’t get defensive as it kills connection.
9. Don’t play games with each other’s heads or hearts.
10. Cheer for each other. Celebrate accomplishments, encourage each other, and compliment each other including in front of and with others.
11. Negotiate and compromise on joint matters and review and discuss goals often. Share power where beneficial and respect each other’s strengths.
12. Don’t play the blame game. Blaming is a copout that accomplishes nothing.
13. Don’t let your anger get the best of you. Breathe, walk away, and give yourself time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.
14. Swallow your pride and apologize authentically and immediately. Make up quickly after an argument and forgive daily. Holding onto grudges poisons a marriage. Let things go. Sometimes peace is more important than being right.
15. Practice patience and forgiveness daily; both of which are vital in relationships.
16. Offer attention, awareness, effort, and respect daily.

I also think it’s important to look at the positives in your spouse and not just the negatives. Take time daily to reflect on their good qualities and the positive aspects of your bond. Do I love that my husband likes listening to the Grateful Dead? No, but I love that he likes watching sports. Does he love that I’m an overthinker and planner? Nope, but he loves that he can count on me for details. It’s a balance. Try paying more attention to the parts of your marriage that are stable, consistent, and comfortable. They are often the sources of your strength and keys to a satisfying, lasting bond.

Ours has definitely had its ups and down but we’ve powered through and are so proud and happy we have. Working together through the hard times almost always make relationships stronger in the end. Is the romance still there after 40 years? Uh, not so much, but we could be considered each other’s best friends (although I always need my daughter and my girls and he needs his homies), which is good because research suggests that spouses who emphasize friendship tend to be more committed. We feel comfortable and close and at this point that’s all that matters.

Our differences at this point are minor. Yes, he’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert. He loves the music in songs and I love the words. He’s 13 years sober and I still enjoy my wine. I like everything in its place and he’s a leave it just about anywhere kinda guy. Ultimately though, we have more in common at this point than we have differences. Forty years together does that to you. He’s made me a better person and I’m pretty sure I’ve done the same for him.

We’ve also jointly raised one heck of a daughter who makes us proud and makes us happy. Remember though that in a marriage, your kids are not your priority; your marriage is. A healthy marriage will most often result in healthy kids and the best gift you can give them is a strong marriage. They will thank you later for being the role models all kids need and deserve.

Don’t get me wrong; we are not all smiles and roses. We have our battles and considering that he’s a Yankee and I’m Latin, they can get heated. Neither of us shy away from words or jabs, but somehow someway we always figure it out. In times like these I like to ask myself, “will this matter in a year’s time?” Or a month’s time. Or even a week’s time.

Egos have a sneaky way of getting in the way but it’s imperative that you respect your spouse more than your ego. Egos destroy marriages; humility builds them. I remember the saying “It’s hard to be humble when you’re a Sooner” when I was in college, but humility is probably one of the most important virtues out there. Practice it. Be it.

Lastly, I recently listened to Mel Robbins’ podcast on marriage advice during which she spoke with spouses and doctors Julie and John Gottman and boy was it good! And BTW: if you haven’t read Robbins’ “Let Them” book, get it today!

Okay, so the Gottmans are often considered the world’s leading experts on love and what it takes to make a relationship work. One of their most famous research studies consisted of having couples talk about a conflict issue for 15 minutes. From there, they could predict with almost 90 percent accuracy whether they would divorce or stay together and if they stayed together, how happily married or unhappily married they would be. Here are the four things they say will blow up your relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In their expert opinion contempt, which they describe as an air of superiority, entitlement, and being better than the other, is actually the most harmful and the best predictor of relationship demise.

So, avoid those at all costs and also commit to what they highly recommend: honoring each other, expressing gratitude, respect, trust, warmth, kindness, humor, listening, affection, and keeping conflicts calm and constructive. If during one you feel you are imploding, tell your partner you need a break and that you will come back to continue the conversation but do so in no more than 24 hours. Don’t stonewall!

So there you have it, a lengthy take on “the secret to staying married so long.” I know it’s a lot but take what works for you and revisit it anytime. You’ll probably gain something new from it each time you do. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a Receipe for a Happy Marriage and some wisdom from Bob Marley; wisdom I remind myself of every time that Latin temper wants to rear its ugly head! Enjoy!

Recipe For A Happy Marriage
4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Heaping helping of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope

1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)
Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

Sometimes dreams do come true. I’ve dreamt of writing a specific children’s book for years and am proud (and humbled) to say I’m an official author! My children’s book, “Puddles the Duck Learns to Believe” is now available for purchase (see below for details) and I’m still pinching myself. In a way, I can’t believe I’m even writing this. Wake me up.

I’ve always been a lover of books…real books not audio books…since I was young and discovered “Nancy Drew Mysteries.” My dream room is the library with ladders in “My Fair Lady” or to own a private bookstore where I’d host book clubs and provide a yummy coffee bar. Although those dreams will likely never come true, the dream of writing a book has.

So, what is my beloved book about and how did it come about?

“Puddles the Duck Learns to Believe” is about a sweet duck named Puddles who isn’t like the other ducks and animals. You see, Puddles was born with a left wing and foot that are weaker than her right ones, making some things hard and even impossible for her to do. But despite disappointment and discouragement, Puddles gains courage and learns that not only is she strong, she’s brave and special too.

The book is based on my daughter Kristen’s disability and her beloved stuffed animal she named Puddles. Diagnosed at three-months-old, she learned the value of conquering and overcoming adversity from nearly birth. This has served her well throughout her life as she faced everything from childhood dance classes to middle school mean girls to hauling luggage through many an airport and hotel. As Romans 5:3-4 tells us though, “Our suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character.” Amen.

Like Puddles, Kristen visited many doctors, did PT and OT, and adapted as she thrived in musical theatre classes, hunter-jumping and dressage, and even her high school golf team. I’ve always loved the above Winnie the Pooh quote and I love that Kristen never gave up or in and still doesn’t. She is also very empathetic to those who have any disability. I’m as proud of her as I am of my book.

It all started with a wonderful physical therapist and an amazing neurologist who at diagnosis told us her weakness was “idiopathic.” When we asked what the heck that meant, he graciously said “it’s how God wanted her.” Okay then. We can accept and deal with that. From that point forward and even into today, my message to Kristen was and is simply “Believe in yourself.” This is something Puddles learns to do in my book and something I hope it conveys to readers.

I remember that quote from the fabulous film “Forrest Gump” and how it resonated with me. So many kids today face struggles both physically and emotionally but their struggles can make them stronger and braver. Like Puddles, they know what it’s like to be laughed at, bullied, and just plain different. But if lead and taught by the right people and in the right way, they can overcome all of that just like Puddles does.

My vision of writing this book has been many years in the making. For so long I thought about just doing a simple self-created book online to give to Kristen. It had been on my “to do” list forever. Then something hit me and I thought, “why not do a real book?” Why not?

Basing it on a duck named Puddles was the easy part. When our daughter was born, a friend of my mother-in-law in Buffalo, New York sent our daughter a stuffed Jemima Puddle-Duck from the Beatrix Potter series as a little gift. She probably went into a store, saw a stuffed animal, and mailed it away never thinking it would become our daughter’s favorite thing. Kristen named her duck Puddles and Puddles went everywhere with her. One time we lost her in a hotel and panicked until management found Puddles safe and sound. Puddles went to college with her and studied abroad in Spain with her. Mom here has had to mend Puddles many times and today the once fluffy stuffed animal is literally hanging on by a thread and Kristen has put her away for safe keeping.

Meanwhile I put doing the book on my “26 for 26” list of goals for 2026 and vowed to get it done this year. I researched publishers, which was challenging to say the least. Somehow, I came upon Westbow Press and it felt like a match made in heaven. I had written the copy sometime back so now it was time to clean it up a bit and find an illustrator. Do I pay to have the publisher do so? Do I find a “for hire” artist? Do I know someone who might be interested?

After much thought and research, enter the talented Finnegan Hein. Finn, as I call him, is the son of a dear friend of mine who I taught preschool with many years ago. He’d created a clever and colorful comic strip called “Quip of the Iceberg” that I always enjoyed reading and I remembered I really liked his artwork for it. I contacted my friend and then Finn, and he was on board. I am forever grateful to him.

And now, all these months and even years later, here I am, a published author. No, it’s not a novel but rather a book geared for 3–8-year-olds but a book it is and it’s a book that this former preschool teacher who loved reading to her little three-year-olds hopes it finds its way into preschools everywhere.

Those preschoolers and all of our precious little ones need to know they are all special just as they are and they don’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect and anyone who claims to be is either lying or in denial. Perfection is overrated and unachievable. But, it’s amazing that like Puddles, if you believe in yourself, you can achieve so much. Learn to believe!

“Puddles the Duck Learns to Believe” is available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other sites as well as at my publisher’s bookstore: www.westbowpress.com/en/bookstore. Just search for the title or my name and you should be good to go. To anyone who orders it, thank you from the bottom of my author heart.