Beyond Words

Watching college football this weekend I learned something about life. I learned that even the smallest efforts matter and that the littlest things can sometimes make the biggest difference.

The game that taught me this wasn’t the OU-Texas battle that I attended in Dallas, but rather the Alabama-Arkansas game, which Bama won 14-13. It was a close and hard fought game but what proved to be the difference between a loss and either overtime or a tie was a blocked extra point kick by a Crimson Tide player Jonathan Allen.  It ended up being the play of the day.  No one probably imagined that Allen would wind of the hero, including Allen himself.

You don’t see missed extra point kicks very often and they aren’t usually a  part of the game where players “give it their all” unless the game is on the line. None of this was the case here.  At the time of the kick, the game was far from being on the line and yet Allen made that extra effort to reach just a little bit higher and essentially win the game for Bama.

That happens in life too. They say you should always be kinder than necessary, but maybe we should also try harder than necessary at making something good happen to or for someone else.  Those little extra efforts you make or those that others make, well, they make a difference.

My nephew’s fiancé always makes him a big breakfast on Sundays before they settle in for a day of NFL games. She enjoys football as much as he does and I’m sure she’d love it if sometimes he made breakfast or even went out to get it, but she takes the time to scramble those eggs and assemble those breakfast tacos herself, and it’s made a difference.  It matters to him.  He appreciates it.

A good friend of mine recently experienced a “flight from hell” going from Dallas to Chicago but was treated by her husband with a limo ride to her parents’ home in Indiana upon arrival. I know for a fact he didn’t enjoy spending the extra money on a limo, but his doing so mattered.  It made a difference.

Think about these things the next time you want to give up or not give something your 100 percent.  It truly is the little things and being willing to extend that extra “reach” for someone that makes you not only a hero of sorts, but a better person.

It’s true that every accomplishment begins with a simple decision to try and that the difference between “try” and “triumph” is merely a little “umph,” but how often do we choose not to try our hardest or to not do something that could truly make a difference or make someone feel loved or happy?    If you find yourself constantly saying, “I just don’t have the time or energy,” consider this:

“Don’t’ say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein,” warns H. Jackson Brown, Jr.   You could add Jonathan Allen to that group today.

Maybe you’re afraid of failure and maybe sometimes that’s what keeps you from going the extra mile. Maybe, like me, you don’t like change.  Whatever is holding you back, try thinking about it differently.  Don’t focus on the possibility of failure; focus on the possibility of accomplishment.  And, don’t think of it as change, think of it as something new and exciting or maybe even a new challenge.

“Many of life’s failures happen when we don’t realize how close we were to success when we gave up.” Thomas Edison

Finally, like the little turtle above, think big.  Go for it.  If you stumble, make it a dance.  If you fail, learn from it.  Always shoot for the moon and the stars; even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.  Jonathan Allen reached for the stars and won.  You can too.

“Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.”

William Morris

I’ve been on a cleaning and disposing rampage lately. I’m not exactly sure why.  Maybe I just want to organize; maybe I want to discard unhappy memories or clutter.  Whatever the case, my recent binge of “Fall Cleaning” has been both enlightening and a lightening of my load! I’ve scoured through my closet, getting rid of bags of clothes and shoes; I’ve cleaned out my desk and files; and I’ve cleared out space after space throughout our home.

In the midst of this purging frenzy, I received  encouragement in a most unlikely place: my yoga classes.   Instructor Nicki suggested we use the Fall Equinox and the New Moon to set a class intention of letting go and making space for something beautiful.   Think about your priorities, she suggested, and think about what to keep and what you may need to discard.  Namaste!

At the same time, I was inspired even more when I went to read the September chapter of Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project,” which focuses on…duh, duh, duh…possessions.  We own our possessions, but sometimes our possessions own us.   And not in a good way.

As Rubin details in her book, many argue that we should not rely on our possessions to make us happy but they do, in fact, matter when it comes to someone’s happiness. I tend to agree and I would bet you do too even though most of us often deny the importance of what we own and what we covet.

“One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats.” Iris Murdoch

The possessions that make me happiest however, aren’t a fancy car or a big house, it’s all those little things that I’ve filled our home with:  handprint art from Kristen, photographs, souvenirs I’ve picked up on my travels, even my “Alpha Chi Mom” coffee mug.  Is it really the items that bring a smile to my face, or the memories they invoke?   In contrast, owning a dog makes me happy and so does buying myself fresh flowers, but neither induces memories of any kind.  They simply cheer me and comfort me.

The difference between owning possessions and them owning you, is making sure they don’t master you or your happiness. Thoughts like “I would be happier with a better car” or “if only we had a pool” are not healthy and will unlikely lead to any increased level of joy.  I, however, can be guilty as charged.  Right now I’m thinking a pair of cute booties would be great.  Would they make my life happier though?  Doubtful.

It’s also important to not become materialistic, as studies show and Rubin reports, materialistic people –those who place too much importance on owning things and showing them off – are less happy. Apparently keeping up with the Joneses doesn’t make the Smiths any happier.

Rubin goes on to say that, yes, money can’t buy happiness per se but, well-spent, money can buy things that may contribute to increased levels of contentment. Money can help us support causes we believe in; keep in touch with far away family members; and even participate in activities that make us happy such as travel, sporting events, and the arts.

So, back to my household purging. I am amazed at how much calmer (and happier?) I am walking into my closet and seeing less hanging items.  What I hadn’t worn in a year, what was out of style regardless of how much I like it, and what just didn’t fit or flatter my figure was tossed or donated.   I even got rid of many pairs of shoes which, as I’ve chronicled numerous times, are my Achilles’ heel.  Pardon the pun!

Hi, my name is Carla, I’m a Taurus, and I like things orderly. Yep, I’m an organizing freak and purging allowed me to organize to death.  I may have too many things that drive my family members nuts, but I know where each one is and they are all, for the most part, neatly organized.  Orderliness makes me happy.  Loosing things makes me crazy!

“Outer order contributes to inner calm,” writes Rubin. I’ve always heard this but I had no idea that creating order can lead to a boost of energy and joyfulness.  I will say, however, that after cleaning and clearing stuff out, I feel better and I feel fresher.

So what about all those things in your home that you’ve been “saving” but never use? Some of those things contribute to clutter, others may be neatly stored away, but do you really need them?   Keep in mind that the longer you hold on to things, the harder they are to discard, So ……

“Happiness is not about having less; happiness is not about having more;

happiness is wanting what I have.”

Gretchen Rubin, “The Happiness Project”

Starting today I’m going to be smarter about what I buy and what I own. Do I need it?  Do I love it?  Can I afford it?  If I answer “yes” to all three, then the purchase is worth considering.  If not, walk away Carla and take comfort in the quiet knowing that you don’t need another possession to be happy.

“There is no such thing as ‘fun for the whole family.” Jerry Seinfeld

Where have I been and what have I been watching? Those are the questions I asked myself last night as I watched, for the first time, the television show “Parenthood.”  What a great program so why hadn’t I seen it until now, its last season?  Good question, but thanks to Neflix I will be watching it episode after episode.

Although I’ve only seen the pilot and this week’s episode, “Parenthood” looked like a good family drama so I’m somewhat surprised to hear this season is its final. A friend of mine believes this is because it doesn’t have enough sex and violence to merit “hit series” status.  I hope this won’t be the case with “Duck Dynasty,” another family-driven show.  Nothing like a real family with real values, right?

Families are important. Done.  End of blog.

Okay, not.

Yes, a family unit is indeed significant in many ways, but did you know that nearly every expert you talk to says feeling part of a family is vital to a person’s success?

Apparently the single most important thing you can do to strengthen your family and the members of it is to develop a strong family narrative.  This means knowing where your grandma went to school, where your grandpa grew up, and other multi-generational facts and stories.  Research conducted by Emory University and reported in “Readers Digest” found that a child who knows where her grandmother went to school may be more resilient than a child who doesn’t.    Having a strong “intergenerational self” also allows kids to know (not just think, but know) they belong to something bigger than themselves.  The more children know about their family history, the higher their self-esteem tends to be and the more self-control they exhibit.

Following the tragic events of 9/11, researchers re-evaluated children affected by the tragedy and found that the ones who knew more about their families were more resilient. The military and sociology experts also report similar findings and experiences.

I’ve always liked the quote about giving your children both “roots and wings,” and now I know just how important those deep and strong roots really are.

This was music to the ears of this mom of an “only.” Kristen is our only child and I don’t even have to go into detail about what many automatically believe about children who don’t have siblings.  Spoiled.  Self-centered.  Introverted.  Unsocial.  Can’t share.   How can my only acquire all those advantages of family awareness when her “family” consists of mom and dad?

First off, let me first address all those misconceptions about onlies.   Single children are not only often very social and confident; they tend to achieve high levels of education and occupational prestige.  Pity the poor only?  Au contraire!

I was happy to read something that I always felt, that even without siblings, children benefit from knowing their extended families. I know for a fact that Kristen values her cousins more than perhaps others with lots of siblings might and that she hates the fact that her mom and dad aren’t necessarily close to all of their siblings.  Kristen never really wished for siblings, but she does wish she had a physically closer extended family.  She loves her family even if getting to know all members is somewhat challenging being that we are spread literally coast-to-coast.  This is the sad truth of most American families today, but thanks to technology, staying in touch is much easier even if it will never replace living down the street from grandma and grandpa or going to the same schools as your cousins.

I love that at the end of each episode of “Duck Dynasty” cast members share a prayer and a family dinner. The Robertsons may be back-woods bubbas, but they are clearly onto something simple yet smart as family meals, much like a communicated family history, can actually result in a child’s better grades and healthier future relationships.

I remember when Kristen was younger we would sit down to dinner, say grace, and then we’d do our “highs and lows.” We would go around the table and say what our “high” of the day was and what our “low” was.   We don’t do so any more, but I’m glad we did it for as many years as we did.  Statistics would agree.

Teens that have regular meals with their parents often boast better grades, are less likely to be depressed, have higher self-esteem, and have better peer and opposite sex relationships. On the other hand, teens that have two or fewer family dinners a week are more likely to smoke, drink, hang out with sexually active friends, and smoke marijuana.

 “It is difficult to know what counts most in the world, but I am beginning to see that the things that really matter take place not in the boardrooms, but in the kitchens of the world.” Gary Allen Sledge

It’s a tough world for kids today. Their family “role models” are “Modern Family,” “Two and a Half Men,” and the Kardashians.  Long gone are the days of the “Cosby Show,” “Seventh Heaven” and the “Brady Bunch.” Call me naïve and old-fashioned, but many a lesson was learned from Dr. Huxtable, lessons somewhat lost on today’s generation and households with a TV in every room.

The most recent Census Figures show that 66 percent of American households in 2012 were “family households,” down from 81 percent in 1970. Equally alarming is that between 1970 and 2012, the share of households that were married couples with children under age 18 dropped from 40 percent to a mere 20 percent.

But, I digress.

Despite the trends, how can any and all families raise stronger and happier children? Start by developing and keeping family traditions that can be passed down generation to generation and share your extended family’s history with your kids.  Be sure to create memories by taking family trips and work to ensure family members feel comfortable communicating with each other both in good times and bad.  No one needs to know they have the “perfect” family.  Way more beneficial is knowing they have a supportive and solid family.

Lastly, appreciate your family. Let members know you value them and choose your battles.  Tell them you love them even if you don’t always agree with them.  After all, it’s the only you’ve got.

Happy Friday!

Happy October 1^st and happy “National Walk Your Dog Week.”  Yep, there’s an official week for walking your dog and I say “amen!”

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a dog lover. Make that major dog lover.  Okay, make that dog obsessed.  All my life I’ve had a dog, whether it was Peppy the poodle when I was a toddler or Boomer, my Jack Russell rescue, a dog has always been in my life.  After Peppy there were Fula, Sabrina, Boots, Bailey, Concha, and Biskit.  I adored them all.  Dogs are, after all, man’s best friend, right?

Dogs are also healers. Simply caring for a dog can reduce anxiety, brighten a mood and reduce stress.  But don’t just take this dog lover’s word for it, study after study have proven that canines can and do make life better.  As I like to say about Boomer, “who rescued who?!”

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” Ben Williams

One study showed that within 10 minutes of looking into a dog’s eyes or petting a dog, the brain gets neurochemical bursts of oxytocin, prolactin, dopamine and endorphins, all chemicals that make us happy and relax us.

Other studies suggest that living with a dog reduces the symptoms and severity of depression and also boosts one’s immune system, reduces blood pressure, and lowers heart rates. Kind of amazing, right?

A British hospital actually “prescribes” a dog for male patients who have suffered heart attacks and following these doctor’s orders has found that the chances of a second heart attack in these men dropped 400 percent! 400 percent!

“If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.”

Owning a dog is known to help you better maintain an active lifestyle and retain a healthy weight.  Dog owners are said to be both emotionally and physically healthier and have lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Maybe dogs are so good at giving love because it is said that when a dog sees its owner its brain secretes the same substances ours do when we are in love. In short, your dog is truly in love with you!

“The reason dogs have so many friends is because they wag their tales instead of their tongues.”

An Ohio high school and a Houston non-profit are both participating in programs aimed at improving school safety by “employing” dogs that can detect guns and drugs in classrooms, hallways, and parking lots.

A study published by “Pediatrics” journal found that children who live with dogs during their first year of life got sick less often than kids from dog-less homes. The research revealed that the dirt and microbes brought in the house by Fido actually bolster helpful bacteria in a child’s immune system.  In fact, babies who lived with dogs were 31 percent more likely to be in good health than those who didn’t, 44 percent were less likely to develop ear infections, and 29 percent were less likely to need antibiotics during their first year of life.

One Virginia family discovered that a dog could predict when a seizure was imminent in their young son, resulting in a book about a seizure-sniffing dog. The book has raised funds to help other families purchase similar dogs.

I volunteer at the Austin Dog Alliance and the reason I chose them over other dog organizations was because of their therapy dog program. One of the programs uses dogs to calm autistic children, teach them social skills, and provide training needed to land a job.  I’ve worked with this program and was totally surprised at how quickly a dog can calm a child down and help him or her focus.

ADA also offers the “Bow Wow Reading” program, which is designed to help below grade level readers improve their skills. I wrote about the program for an ADA publication and, while doing research on the subject, loved learning that a University of California study found that young students who read out loud to dogs improved their reading skills by 12 percent over the course of 10 weeks, while children in the same program who didn’t read to dogs showed no improvement.

A dog’s calming presence is perhaps the key to the program’s success, as one of the biggest challenges to get kids to read is often helping them overcome the embarrassment of making mistakes.  Reading to dogs provides the perfect solution as they offer a non-judgmental environment as well as a comforting friend who listens even when the reader stumbles on certain words.

Therapy dogs are nothing new. Seeing eye dogs and service dogs have been around forever.  Firefighters once used Dalmatians to both protect their trucks and “sound” an alarm and police officers still use our four-legged friends for a variety of jobs.   If you look even further back in history, you will find the connection between healing and dogs just as prevalent as today.  The Mayans believe each person was assigned a “soul animal” and Florence Nightingale recommended small pets for the chronically ill.

Visit any hospital or nursing home and you’ll find therapy dogs in the rooms of people of all ages. I remember when Kristen had surgery when she was in first grade, one of the brightest moments in recovery was a visit she had from a dog and its trainer.  A dog’s ability to either engage a person or relax one makes for the perfect partner in disaster relief as well.  Servicemen and women are uniquely attached to their “war dogs” and many 9/11 families of victims were consoled by specially trained dogs.

“Dogs are not our whole life but they make our lives whole.” Roger Caras

What I love most about dogs is their undying loyalty and unconditional love.  I know that when I walk in the door Boomer is going to show how super excited she is to see me whether I’ve been gone a minute or a month.  According to “Live Happy” magazine, dogs essentially represent a “steady diet of happiness” and I couldn’t agree more. Now I’m going for a walk with Boomer!

Things We Can Learn From a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a ride and feel the wind in your face.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before getting up.

Eat with gusto.

Be loyal.

If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, sit close by and nuzzle them.

Avoid biting when a growl will do.

When you’re happy, show it.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

“Who you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read something on-line today that included the following poem written by an anonymous wordsmith:

A wise old owl sat in an oak

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard

Why can’t we all be like that bird?

I tend to go to either extreme of that wise old bird: I speak a lot or I am silent.   I live by the rule “Let your speech be better than your silence; otherwise by silent.”  Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem “putting it out there” but sometimes I have nothing to say or maybe nothing nice to say.  My momma taught me well, but today, I’m putting it out there.

Do I sometimes say too much and go too far? For sure.  Am I opinionated?  Totally.  Do I think I know it all?  Not at all.  In fact, there are few things in life I enjoy more than an enlightening and enthusiastic discussion or debate on anything anyone is passionate about.  If it’s the silent me you want, start with the small talk and keep it going.  I hate small talk.  Can’t stand it.

Proverbs 10:19 says “He who restrains his lips is wise” leading one to believe that there is a definite link between wisdom and listening. I agree.  As I tell my little preschoolers, “If you’re not listening, you’re not learning.”

I love to learn almost as much as I love to listen to rain while reading a book. I have an insatiable appetite for fun facts and anything interesting.  Every year my New Year’s resolution is to learn something new.  I don’t like to be criticized though and am the first to admit I have very thin skin.  Maybe that’s why a recent comment to something I posted on Facebook got me thinking (and in my best Carrie Bradshaw imitation):  “do I speak my mind too much?”

They say it’s easier to express anger or anything negative in the written word rather then face-to-face, making social media the perfect place to do so. A few days ago I shared a post and after several “I agree” comments, I came across one that baffled me.  I’m still confused as to what it really meant but I am sure of one thing:  it wasn’t complimentary.  Considering who it was from was even more hurtful and added weight to the sting I was already feeling.  I love and admire the person in so many ways and we have enjoyed a long-time friendship.  I’m still not sure what to make of it.

“Preach the gospel, and when necessary use words.” St. Francis

My intent is never to be offensive; I am just really passionate about certain things and enjoy “sharing” them with others.   If you don’t agree with them, that’s fine, I am not offended.  Many of my friends have belief systems totally in opposition to mine but we are still able to enjoy a civil and fruitful friendship.  At the end of the day, I prefer to focus on what holds us together, not what tears us apart.   It’s called respect.

How could I, in all honesty, be anything more than honest and upfront considering I’ve forever encouraged my daughter to “speak up?” I must practice what I preach.   I’ve preached to not only speak up but to believe in yourself and in what you feel.  Obnoxious and rude, no.  Mannerly and intelligent, yes.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that eliminating the unnecessary “shoulds” in my life start with “I should care what someone thinks of me.”  How refreshing to get rid of trying to please everyone, feeling I have to be sooooo super grateful to everyone and for everything, and striving to meet other people’s expectations rather than my own.  I no longer say “yes” when I really want to say “no” and I’ve stopped doing things I actually don’t like but for so long thought I “should” like, so I poured myself into them.  My husband loves golf and many of my girlfriends do too, which meant I “should” like golf more than I do.  Uh….no.  I should spend time with someone I don’t really like all that much.  I can’t.  Just can’t and won’t.

I also know I can’t fix everything, even though God knows I’ve tried! Not my circus, not my monkeys.  Not my problem!  I also realize I won’t win every argument or change everyone’s mind or behavior, and that’s okay.  I say what’s important to me and agree to disagree or maybe even go as far as “you may be right.”  Done.  Easy peasy.

Trust me, I’ve taken the class in people pleasing and graduated with honors with a degree in “Disease to Please” in the past, living by the mantra “I’m only okay if you think I’m okay.” That’s the old me though.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be “that” older woman, but I have better things to do then try to win everyone over and care what people think about me.  It’s not so much that I don’t care what others think, it’s more that I finally really care about what I think.  I am also too old for the drama.

One of my favorite quotes has always been “Be who you are and say what you feel, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” by Dr. Seuss and amazingly, the older I get the more it rings true.  I think Dr. Seuss would be happy to hear this.

Lastly, something very refreshing about speaking your mind is that you don’t carry around those heavy burdens called secrets. Holding onto secrets can be very draining and damaging but letting them out in the open frees the mind and frees the spirit.   Just make sure you don’t hurt anyone by doing so.

So, what do to about a Facebook comment? Do I let it eat at me or do I fully digest it and move on to the next course.  I think I’ll take a cue from Lou Holtz, who cautioned, “Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”

Happy first day of fall! I just love autumn; it’s probably my favorite season.  I love the colors, the clothing, the football, and the weather.  Oh, the weather.  How it can change on a dime.

Last week in Austin we had rain nearly every day, leading to flash flooding.  Before that we were suffering through those dreaded end-of-summer high 90s, so with the rain came not only flood waters but nearly unbearable humidity too.  This week we are back to dry skies and only upper 80s.   Yay us!

I’ve always said I love rain, particularly those day-long thunderstorms. Curl up with my dog, some decaf, and a good book and I’m a happy clam.  I think I like rain so much because it’s really the only “weather” we get in Austin.  To me, it’s a nice break from the heat and the sun.  Needless to say I get downright giddy when the weather forecast calls for a chance of showers.

What exactly does that “80 percent chance of rain” really mean though? Does it mean there’s an 80 percent chance of rain that it will rain at my house?  Will it rain 80 percent of the day?  Will it rain only over 80 percent of the city where I live?  Do I need an umbrella today?  The answer:  maybe, maybe, maybe, and maybe.

A meteorologist I am not, but I’ve researched it all for you and have learned that what a real meteorologist does when forecasting rain is use a formula that combines “degree of confidence” and “area coverage.” How confident is Willie the Weatherman that it’s going to rain in a certain area of town?

According to the National Weather Service, “chance of rain 40 percent” means there is a 40 percent chance that rain will occur at any given point in the “viewing area,” the households that receive a particular TV channel that’s broadcasting the weather forecast.

How do forecasters get there? By using math with their handy dandy “Probability of Precipitation” method, which describes the chance of precipitation occurring at any point you select in any given area.  In short,  PoP = C x A (“C” being the confidence that precipitation will occur and “A” being the percent of the area that will receive measureable precipitation.)  That’s in the perfect weather world though. In most cases, forecasters use a combination of degree of confidence and area coverage.

Here’s how it works: if Molly the Meteorologist is only 50 percent sure that precipitation will occur and expects it will produce measurable rain over about 80 percent of the area, the PoP (chance of rain) is 40 percent. (.5 x .8 = .4 or 40 %.)

Confused? Well, it gets even more confusing.

If you hear there’s a 20 percent chance of rain, it could mean the weather gurus are 50 percent sure it will rain in 40 percent of the viewing area OR, they could be 90 percent sure it’s going to rain in 20 percent of the area.

Okay, maybe that’s why my degree is news reporting and not a weather forecasting. Too much math!

In any event, perhaps the best way to interpret the forecast is to remember that a 40 percent chance of rain means there is a 40 percent chance that it will rain in the city or town where you live. When all else fails, just always keep an umbrella handy!

Hurricane? Cyclone?  Typhoon?

Last week’s rain in Austin was thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Odile, which brought heavy rains to the West Coast after hitting Baja Mexico with hurricane force winds. In sticking with today’s weather theme, I thought I’d explain the difference between a hurricane, a cyclone, and a typhoon.

Basically they are all the same things. Different parts of the world use different terms though.  “Hurricane” is used is the Atlantic Ocean, Caribbean Sea, central and northeast Pacific.  In the northwest Pacific, they are called typhoons; while in the Bay of Bengal and the Arabian Sea they are called cyclones.

I am as guilty as the next person of placing people on pedestals they don’t necessarily deserve and idolizing certain famous people.  But, when it comes down to it, forget about football teams, reality show stars, musicians, and anyone else we entitle with fame, there is really only one who deserves it.  Let’s make Him famous today and every day.

“Even rich men need God.”